i was shocked awake
4:45 in the morning
to the sound of my own screaming and sobbing
i dreamed of your brother
running up to me in the hallway
in hysterics
telling me what he found that morning when your alarm sounded
what you had done
and i cried out, i screamed and i woken already in a fit
it isn't real, it isn't real
you're going to see him today
he is alive
HE IS ALIVE. HE IS FINE
i reached over beside me and found your shirt
that i forgot i was wearing so did not return to you
i grasped it and pressed it to my face because it smelled like you and
the dream felt so real and so terrifying because just six hours ago
you had confided in me that you could do it
but i will not allow it
i solemnly swear i will not allow you to die
the tears and terror eventually faded
and i wrote you a letter about how incredible you are and how i cannot fathom a death so tragic as yours
you would not slip out unnoticed
there would be chaos and unrest for years
because after all
a king cannot die silently
in the evening you picked me up from my house
told me stories of your day and that your mom likes to hear your stories about me
i wonder if your family even likes me but i would like to believe they do
we greeted your father WHO WAS SMILING; WHO KNEW? before descending down into your room
i collapsed on the couch and told you how rampant my anxiety was running
you joined me and i buried my face in your shoulder
asked you to read what i wrote
"i would love to read it," you said, lightly kissing my forehead
and after, you wrapped both your arms around me
one on my back and the other cupping the back of my neck
i nestled into your chest and you put your face against my hair
"i believe you," you whispered
believe what? that i love you? do you finally understand?
i just muttered good and relished the fact that your thumb was slowly rubbing my neck
and i just hope that you understand
that i would have never let go
our evening was spent with laughter and cookies and
i love that your sister actually thought of me because
no one ever thinks of me
i was sad to go when you took me home but i know that
i will continue to wake up day after day
and you will be there
because
"wherever there is you,
i will be there too"