Jan 2014
yesterday was my birthday
and it was just another day
today is supposed to feel different
but i dont think anythings changed
but something happened yesterday
something special and wonderful and terrifying and lovely
i realized he has all of me
he tells me all his eggs are in my basket
that i have him wrapped around my finger
which i dont doubt but,
i dont think he sees what he does to me
everyday i find an excuse to talk about him
every moment i think about holding him and telling him i love him more than the whole world
my parents tell me im a happier, better person than what i was
i fell myself actually feel strong feelings and so many emotions and revived morals previously foreign
i care about someone elses well being and feelings
i dont want to lose him and i dont ever want to hurt him
i would take a bullet for him, even though he would probably insist he should
he makes me a better human being
and last night he kissed my leg
a reminder of what i once was
a stupid sad little girl who everyday thought about deteriorating herself and watching her blood flow from under he snow white skin as the cuts got deeper and the pain turns to numbness and the only thing she can focus on is feeling the blade pause as skin tears with effort, little by little and as the blade begins to disappear under her skin,
she felt okay
he kissed my scars and held me
and immediately i cried
i stared at him with shaking skin and fire in my face and neck because nobody had ever done that before
nobody went out of their way to love what i hate about myself
to show me they really do love every little thing about me
and he told me he would always protect me, even from myself
that hes going to give me the world one day and ill never crave that dreaded feeling again
i fell so much more in love with him last night
i realized when i think about the bad things and our stupid fights and the things that bug me about him and when i miss him because he lives so far away and everything that exists to tear us apart
i ignore them
because he is everything i could ever want or need
i saw how perfect he was in that brief moment
and that, not the cakes not the birthday wishes not the presents not the money not the calls from family, but that very moment
is why i will love my sixteenth birthday for the rest of my life.
and it was just another day
today is supposed to feel different
but i dont think anythings changed
but something happened yesterday
something special and wonderful and terrifying and lovely
i realized he has all of me
he tells me all his eggs are in my basket
that i have him wrapped around my finger
which i dont doubt but,
i dont think he sees what he does to me
everyday i find an excuse to talk about him
every moment i think about holding him and telling him i love him more than the whole world
my parents tell me im a happier, better person than what i was
i fell myself actually feel strong feelings and so many emotions and revived morals previously foreign
i care about someone elses well being and feelings
i dont want to lose him and i dont ever want to hurt him
i would take a bullet for him, even though he would probably insist he should
he makes me a better human being
and last night he kissed my leg
a reminder of what i once was
a stupid sad little girl who everyday thought about deteriorating herself and watching her blood flow from under he snow white skin as the cuts got deeper and the pain turns to numbness and the only thing she can focus on is feeling the blade pause as skin tears with effort, little by little and as the blade begins to disappear under her skin,
she felt okay
he kissed my scars and held me
and immediately i cried
i stared at him with shaking skin and fire in my face and neck because nobody had ever done that before
nobody went out of their way to love what i hate about myself
to show me they really do love every little thing about me
and he told me he would always protect me, even from myself
that hes going to give me the world one day and ill never crave that dreaded feeling again
i fell so much more in love with him last night
i realized when i think about the bad things and our stupid fights and the things that bug me about him and when i miss him because he lives so far away and everything that exists to tear us apart
i ignore them
because he is everything i could ever want or need
i saw how perfect he was in that brief moment
and that, not the cakes not the birthday wishes not the presents not the money not the calls from family, but that very moment
is why i will love my sixteenth birthday for the rest of my life.
