julia-lane - Hello Poetry

for him, he has my heart. he stole it long ago, before I could even notice. my teenage pulse throbbed with his every move, and he knew it. and he fed it, for years. and all the while my pulse would throb, but often with pain. for years, he was the one. never mine, but always the one. but every time he broke my heart, again and again, until the very last time. when he could no longer, because he is no longer. for you, you have my soul. everything i am, and everything i need is in you. your heart has never shown me anything but warmth. your hands have only ever held, and not kept for possession, or every strayed to catch me. you showed me so much, and i showed you too. i like to think you loved me, but this is a sketch. a beautiful picture for me to keep and treasure, forever. nobody but us will ever know how much its worth. but its worth everything to me. despite ever flaw, and strain, and painful breath it took to make it, it's truly priceless. and i thank you for that, eternally.

0

Aug 22, 2019

Aug 22, 2019 at 5:45 AM UTC

julia-lane

Better Left Unsaid

for him, he has my heart. he stole it long ago, before I could even notice. my teenage pulse throbbed with his every move, and he knew it. and he fed it, for years. and all the while my pulse would throb, but often with pain. for years, he was the one. never mine, but always the one. but every time he broke my heart, again and again, until the very last time. when he could no longer, because he is no longer. for you, you have my soul. everything i am, and everything i need is in you. your heart has never shown me anything but warmth. your hands have only ever held, and not kept for possession, or every strayed to catch me. you showed me so much, and i showed you too. i like to think you loved me, but this is a sketch. a beautiful picture for me to keep and treasure, forever. nobody but us will ever know how much its worth. but its worth everything to me. despite ever flaw, and strain, and painful breath it took to make it, it's truly priceless. and i thank you for that, eternally.

38

Today is a hard day. Actually, the last few weeks have been hard. But today, today is one of the hardest yet. I think if I could tell you why maybe you would understand.. I woke up thinking about you again. I don’t mean like one of those “oh remember that one time” thoughts. I mean I woke up thinking about the way your eyes had a dark blue ring around your iris, kind of like mine. I thought about how I had never once seen you with a beard. I thought about how you used to shave your chest for reasons I still find funny. I remembered the way you would like your lips when you looked down and stroked your chin. I remembered you, every crease, scar and dimple I could possible remember. You know, in the last year I’ve had exactly 2 dreams. I remember it seemingly like we had our chance, like we could try again and you could let me show you how much I love you. But I woke up, and that dream was over 6 months ago. Right now, all I can picture is what you could have done. I constantly think about all the things you could have been doing right now, and all the things I will never be able to tell you. Everyday, you cross my mind. I used to get really sad over it. I used to cry and scream and I remember constantly begging you to tell me you could hear me. I didn’t want to accept I was screaming at nothing. I just didn't want to accept that there's some things I'll simply never know. But here we are, 365 days later. I can say 3 things honestly. First, I miss you as much today as I have since the day you left. Second, I still don’t know, frankly I don’t think I ever will, if you ever cared about me in any way like I did you. Third, I will never, ever get over the love for you that consumes me everyday. I hope you know that I mean that. I know you’ve heard it a thousand times a million different ways but I know, and I think you knew, that I cared for you in a way nobody else did. I still believe that you liked the intense care I showed you. Maybe I never admitted it, but you and me both knew I fell for you years ago, and never got back up. The last thing I have to say to you is a memory. This is the same memory that comes to my mind everytime I think about your smile. 2013, a chilly spring night, salty mists, and your arms around me. I remember laying in your bed, consumed by you, fascinated by every little fact you would share with me. We laid together, and we smoked. You showed me your music, and you sang for me. You told me about your father, sister and brother, music, school, your friends, swimming, bud, drinking, traveling, California, Boston, your past, your life and you. I wish I spent everyday after memorizing that night. 6 years later I cling to every morsel of that night I can remember. Because I hope when I die I get to rejoin you to relive that night forever.

0

Mar 6, 2019

Mar 6, 2019 at 7:58 PM UTC

julia-lane

If Heaven Takes Mail...

Today is a hard day. Actually, the last few weeks have been hard. But today, today is one of the hardest yet. I think if I could tell you why maybe you would understand.. I woke up thinking about you again. I don’t mean like one of those “oh remember that one time” thoughts. I mean I woke up thinking about the way your eyes had a dark blue ring around your iris, kind of like mine. I thought about how I had never once seen you with a beard. I thought about how you used to shave your chest for reasons I still find funny. I remembered the way you would like your lips when you looked down and stroked your chin. I remembered you, every crease, scar and dimple I could possible remember. You know, in the last year I’ve had exactly 2 dreams. I remember it seemingly like we had our chance, like we could try again and you could let me show you how much I love you. But I woke up, and that dream was over 6 months ago. Right now, all I can picture is what you could have done. I constantly think about all the things you could have been doing right now, and all the things I will never be able to tell you. Everyday, you cross my mind. I used to get really sad over it. I used to cry and scream and I remember constantly begging you to tell me you could hear me. I didn’t want to accept I was screaming at nothing. I just didn't want to accept that there's some things I'll simply never know. But here we are, 365 days later. I can say 3 things honestly. First, I miss you as much today as I have since the day you left. Second, I still don’t know, frankly I don’t think I ever will, if you ever cared about me in any way like I did you. Third, I will never, ever get over the love for you that consumes me everyday. I hope you know that I mean that. I know you’ve heard it a thousand times a million different ways but I know, and I think you knew, that I cared for you in a way nobody else did. I still believe that you liked the intense care I showed you. Maybe I never admitted it, but you and me both knew I fell for you years ago, and never got back up. The last thing I have to say to you is a memory. This is the same memory that comes to my mind everytime I think about your smile. 2013, a chilly spring night, salty mists, and your arms around me. I remember laying in your bed, consumed by you, fascinated by every little fact you would share with me. We laid together, and we smoked. You showed me your music, and you sang for me. You told me about your father, sister and brother, music, school, your friends, swimming, bud, drinking, traveling, California, Boston, your past, your life and you. I wish I spent everyday after memorizing that night. 6 years later I cling to every morsel of that night I can remember. Because I hope when I die I get to rejoin you to relive that night forever.

11

I remember the very first day. It was Halloween night. I was 13 years old. You were 16. The moment you walked in, you captured my attention. For the rest of the night, I couldn't help but try and catch your glance out of the corner of my eye, trying not to stare, trying not to blush. I didn't even know your name yet. I was 13, and I think that night was the first step I took towards loving you. I remember the first time I came over to your house. I was 14. You were 17. It was midnight on a school night. You met me at the beach and we walked in the middle of the causeway back to your house. A huge wave came crashing against the wall and you ran out of the way, while I got soaked. You laughed and hugged me trying to keep me warm. When we got to your room, we talked for hours. We smoked. You told me about Mac Dre and the Bay and your life in California and you showed me a photo of your youngest siblings and you sung for me. I didn't leave until 5 AM. Now, I'm 20. And the last time I spoke to you was February 24th, over ******* snapchat. Today would have marked the first month into your 23rd year, but it doesn't. Instead, it marks the month you never made. It's been a week since you died, and I still don't know what to do. I cant sleep. I cant eat unless someone is with me. I cant even think without my head shouting at me running in ******* circles faster than ******* light. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I think it's harder because I told myself for years I didn't love you, that whatever I felt was some infatuation, for years. But every single time you called me, I answered. Every single time you said "I wanna see you" I said when. For 6 years you were the one constant I had. I could always be sure that I had so many feelings for you. Always. Period. And I want to make something clear. I would have done anything for you, if you let me. But instead you told me I was nothing to you, that you didn't care. Thats all you ever told me. And all I ever wanted was for you to just say you cared about me. Tell me I meant something to you that I wasn't someone to keep your bed warm. Then, last month happens. I get a text. Didn't know the number. But, as soon as I got it, I knew it was you. This conversation was the only time I ever asked you "Did you ever care about me, at all?" and the only time you ever said "Of course I care about you." The next day the line was disconnected. I don't know if it was actually you, part of me says it was and parts of me says its not. But the hardest thing, Is knowing the only time you ever said you cared about me, Was over a text. That wasn't even from you. I hope to God it was from you. I think more than anything, that will be the hardest part to come to terms with. That you have always been a piece of my heart. That I have always cared about you. Unceasingly, without pause, without hesitation, consistently, for 6 years. And I will never know if you ever cared at all. You meant so much to me, I would have given anything to have a chance with you. I just wish I told you when you were alive.

0

Mar 11, 2018

Mar 11, 2018 at 11:43 PM UTC

julia-lane

Beginning meets end

I remember the very first day. It was Halloween night. I was 13 years old. You were 16. The moment you walked in, you captured my attention. For the rest of the night, I couldn't help but try and catch your glance out of the corner of my eye, trying not to stare, trying not to blush. I didn't even know your name yet. I was 13, and I think that night was the first step I took towards loving you. I remember the first time I came over to your house. I was 14. You were 17. It was midnight on a school night. You met me at the beach and we walked in the middle of the causeway back to your house. A huge wave came crashing against the wall and you ran out of the way, while I got soaked. You laughed and hugged me trying to keep me warm. When we got to your room, we talked for hours. We smoked. You told me about Mac Dre and the Bay and your life in California and you showed me a photo of your youngest siblings and you sung for me. I didn't leave until 5 AM. Now, I'm 20. And the last time I spoke to you was February 24th, over ******* snapchat. Today would have marked the first month into your 23rd year, but it doesn't. Instead, it marks the month you never made. It's been a week since you died, and I still don't know what to do. I cant sleep. I cant eat unless someone is with me. I cant even think without my head shouting at me running in ******* circles faster than ******* light. This is the hardest thing I've ever done. I think it's harder because I told myself for years I didn't love you, that whatever I felt was some infatuation, for years. But every single time you called me, I answered. Every single time you said "I wanna see you" I said when. For 6 years you were the one constant I had. I could always be sure that I had so many feelings for you. Always. Period. And I want to make something clear. I would have done anything for you, if you let me. But instead you told me I was nothing to you, that you didn't care. Thats all you ever told me. And all I ever wanted was for you to just say you cared about me. Tell me I meant something to you that I wasn't someone to keep your bed warm. Then, last month happens. I get a text. Didn't know the number. But, as soon as I got it, I knew it was you. This conversation was the only time I ever asked you "Did you ever care about me, at all?" and the only time you ever said "Of course I care about you." The next day the line was disconnected. I don't know if it was actually you, part of me says it was and parts of me says its not. But the hardest thing, Is knowing the only time you ever said you cared about me, Was over a text. That wasn't even from you. I hope to God it was from you. I think more than anything, that will be the hardest part to come to terms with. That you have always been a piece of my heart. That I have always cared about you. Unceasingly, without pause, without hesitation, consistently, for 6 years. And I will never know if you ever cared at all. You meant so much to me, I would have given anything to have a chance with you. I just wish I told you when you were alive.

20

But I didn’t. I think why is important, but maybe I’m just ****** up. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And if thinking about thinking is a thing I’ve been doing too much of it. I’m stuck right now. To explain what I mean it’s like everytime I try to fall asleep my mind forbids it. I’m given no peace even when I’m actively looking for it, and I hope it’s just not me. I hope I can fix this. I don’t want to spend every night with my heart in my ears and my eyes shut but the voice in my head won’t stop going in directions I don’t have energy for. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried talking it into real life, making the voice in my head a conversation with someone. I’ve tried meditating, but honestly who am I kidding. I’ve tried counting sheep, telling myself to think about sleeping, to stop thinking, but nothing. The only thing that really helps is driving. When I drive I can escape. When I’m not even comforted by my own bed the roads ease my mind. I think it’s because it gives me nothing to think about. I dont have to use my head for anything except driving. Sometimes I just drive down the coast and think about going as far as I can but then I remeber... I have all this **** to deal with. Responsible people have obligations to fulfill. I can’t just do whatever I want. I don’t know what I can do anymore, and I think that’s why I almost cried. I feel like everything I worked to create has depleated into potentionalless burdens. Maybe I’m being hard on myself but lately I feel like I can do nothing good. I’m lost in this state of mind that won’t let me go. I’m used to being strong and learning to deal with lifes messes but this is too much. I don’t know what’ll fix me or this or whatever, but I think a cry might do me some good.

0

Feb 20, 2018

Feb 20, 2018 at 2:43 AM UTC

julia-lane

I wanted to cry today

But I didn’t. I think why is important, but maybe I’m just ****** up. Lately I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. And if thinking about thinking is a thing I’ve been doing too much of it. I’m stuck right now. To explain what I mean it’s like everytime I try to fall asleep my mind forbids it. I’m given no peace even when I’m actively looking for it, and I hope it’s just not me. I hope I can fix this. I don’t want to spend every night with my heart in my ears and my eyes shut but the voice in my head won’t stop going in directions I don’t have energy for. I’ve tried everything. I’ve tried talking it into real life, making the voice in my head a conversation with someone. I’ve tried meditating, but honestly who am I kidding. I’ve tried counting sheep, telling myself to think about sleeping, to stop thinking, but nothing. The only thing that really helps is driving. When I drive I can escape. When I’m not even comforted by my own bed the roads ease my mind. I think it’s because it gives me nothing to think about. I dont have to use my head for anything except driving. Sometimes I just drive down the coast and think about going as far as I can but then I remeber... I have all this **** to deal with. Responsible people have obligations to fulfill. I can’t just do whatever I want. I don’t know what I can do anymore, and I think that’s why I almost cried. I feel like everything I worked to create has depleated into potentionalless burdens. Maybe I’m being hard on myself but lately I feel like I can do nothing good. I’m lost in this state of mind that won’t let me go. I’m used to being strong and learning to deal with lifes messes but this is too much. I don’t know what’ll fix me or this or whatever, but I think a cry might do me some good.

12

To be totally honest I forgot this website existed, until for some reason I started cleaning out my old email, last checked circa 2015. Along the way, I forgot about these words that used to fill my head. I grew up, apparently. I was so caught up in being everything, I forgot that I'm me. No amount of resumes or friends or post on Instagram determines who I am, only I do. I forgot that I steer my fate. I completely forgot about the unruly delight of letting words dissipate from my mind into thin air, and trapping them in my laptop screen. There's some unequivocal satisfaction in being able to take a foggy thought, and make it clear by wrapping it in pretty adjective and metaphors. For some reason, my shoulders relax in a way that's different, even special. I never did this for you, this was always for me.. I forgot that I do this for me. I forgot what it was like to pick words like the petals of a flower, delicately, because being delicate creatures makes our feelings just as frail and vulnerable. I forgot to pick words delicately. I realize now that my words are like bubbles, floating with ease through the air eventually making their point with a subtle 'pop'. My words have been more like lumps of hail, uncontrollably destructive to everything in their way. I forgot what it was like to choke up on emotions that I didn't know I had, that only this simple thing can reveal. Most importantly, I forgot who I was. This young girl, lost and confused and trying her best to know herself. To be honest I still don't know myself. Sometimes I get mad at myself for that but then I remember, that this, this simple thing, saved me from consuming myself for years. Maybe it still can. I realize now, that my undying anger can be tamed. That no, I am not some evil beast cursed to live in angsty distress. I am human, I will always struggle to live with my imperfections. I no longer need to try and teeter between the balance of good and evil inside me, because I'm human. I teeter regardless. I had forgotten the eternal weight of words, how they create and destroy the world around me. That words are everything when you feel like you have nothing. That words can save lives, can save my life. That there can never be enough no matter how hard I try. That's not my fault. I realize now that life is not determined by my words but rather that my words should seek to give life, to enhance. I forgot that there's no need to hate myself for being human, that if this life needs anything it's more love. I forgot that it's okay to slow down, to speak softly and to question everything. I forgot this for so long, but I think I'm starting to remember.

0

Feb 4, 2018

Feb 4, 2018 at 10:06 PM UTC

julia-lane

Eternal Words

To be totally honest I forgot this website existed, until for some reason I started cleaning out my old email, last checked circa 2015. Along the way, I forgot about these words that used to fill my head. I grew up, apparently. I was so caught up in being everything, I forgot that I'm me. No amount of resumes or friends or post on Instagram determines who I am, only I do. I forgot that I steer my fate. I completely forgot about the unruly delight of letting words dissipate from my mind into thin air, and trapping them in my laptop screen. There's some unequivocal satisfaction in being able to take a foggy thought, and make it clear by wrapping it in pretty adjective and metaphors. For some reason, my shoulders relax in a way that's different, even special. I never did this for you, this was always for me.. I forgot that I do this for me. I forgot what it was like to pick words like the petals of a flower, delicately, because being delicate creatures makes our feelings just as frail and vulnerable. I forgot to pick words delicately. I realize now that my words are like bubbles, floating with ease through the air eventually making their point with a subtle 'pop'. My words have been more like lumps of hail, uncontrollably destructive to everything in their way. I forgot what it was like to choke up on emotions that I didn't know I had, that only this simple thing can reveal. Most importantly, I forgot who I was. This young girl, lost and confused and trying her best to know herself. To be honest I still don't know myself. Sometimes I get mad at myself for that but then I remember, that this, this simple thing, saved me from consuming myself for years. Maybe it still can. I realize now, that my undying anger can be tamed. That no, I am not some evil beast cursed to live in angsty distress. I am human, I will always struggle to live with my imperfections. I no longer need to try and teeter between the balance of good and evil inside me, because I'm human. I teeter regardless. I had forgotten the eternal weight of words, how they create and destroy the world around me. That words are everything when you feel like you have nothing. That words can save lives, can save my life. That there can never be enough no matter how hard I try. That's not my fault. I realize now that life is not determined by my words but rather that my words should seek to give life, to enhance. I forgot that there's no need to hate myself for being human, that if this life needs anything it's more love. I forgot that it's okay to slow down, to speak softly and to question everything. I forgot this for so long, but I think I'm starting to remember.

11

yesterday was my birthday and it was just another day today is supposed to feel different but i dont think anythings changed but something happened yesterday something special and wonderful and terrifying and lovely i realized he has all of me he tells me all his eggs are in my basket that i have him wrapped around my finger which i dont doubt but, i dont think he sees what he does to me everyday i find an excuse to talk about him every moment i think about holding him and telling him i love him more than the whole world my parents tell me im a happier, better person than what i was i fell myself actually feel strong feelings and so many emotions and revived morals previously foreign i care about someone elses well being and feelings i dont want to lose him and i dont ever want to hurt him i would take a bullet for him, even though he would probably insist he should he makes me a better human being and last night he kissed my leg a reminder of what i once was a stupid sad little girl who everyday thought about deteriorating herself and watching her blood flow from under he snow white skin as the cuts got deeper and the pain turns to numbness and the only thing she can focus on is feeling the blade pause as skin tears with effort, little by little and as the blade begins to disappear under her skin, she felt okay he kissed my scars and held me and immediately i cried i stared at him with shaking skin and fire in my face and neck because nobody had ever done that before nobody went out of their way to love what i hate about myself to show me they really do love every little thing about me and he told me he would always protect me, even from myself that hes going to give me the world one day and ill never crave that dreaded feeling again i fell so much more in love with him last night i realized when i think about the bad things and our stupid fights and the things that bug me about him and when i miss him because he lives so far away and everything that exists to tear us apart i ignore them because he is everything i could ever want or need i saw how perfect he was in that brief moment and that, not the cakes not the birthday wishes not the presents not the money not the calls from family, but that very moment is why i will love my sixteenth birthday for the rest of my life.

0

Jan 29, 2014

Jan 29, 2014 at 12:06 PM UTC

julia-lane

My Birthday

yesterday was my birthday and it was just another day today is supposed to feel different but i dont think anythings changed but something happened yesterday something special and wonderful and terrifying and lovely i realized he has all of me he tells me all his eggs are in my basket that i have him wrapped around my finger which i dont doubt but, i dont think he sees what he does to me everyday i find an excuse to talk about him every moment i think about holding him and telling him i love him more than the whole world my parents tell me im a happier, better person than what i was i fell myself actually feel strong feelings and so many emotions and revived morals previously foreign i care about someone elses well being and feelings i dont want to lose him and i dont ever want to hurt him i would take a bullet for him, even though he would probably insist he should he makes me a better human being and last night he kissed my leg a reminder of what i once was a stupid sad little girl who everyday thought about deteriorating herself and watching her blood flow from under he snow white skin as the cuts got deeper and the pain turns to numbness and the only thing she can focus on is feeling the blade pause as skin tears with effort, little by little and as the blade begins to disappear under her skin, she felt okay he kissed my scars and held me and immediately i cried i stared at him with shaking skin and fire in my face and neck because nobody had ever done that before nobody went out of their way to love what i hate about myself to show me they really do love every little thing about me and he told me he would always protect me, even from myself that hes going to give me the world one day and ill never crave that dreaded feeling again i fell so much more in love with him last night i realized when i think about the bad things and our stupid fights and the things that bug me about him and when i miss him because he lives so far away and everything that exists to tear us apart i ignore them because he is everything i could ever want or need i saw how perfect he was in that brief moment and that, not the cakes not the birthday wishes not the presents not the money not the calls from family, but that very moment is why i will love my sixteenth birthday for the rest of my life.

37

Sing it they said Put your thoughts in melodies And change emotions into rhythm Say how he hurt you and took a piece of your heart when he left Preach the heartbreak of girls around the world And say it didnt **** me to all the victims of abuse It made me who i am after all, and i dont even plan on killing him A mad girls love song the poets will hum in their graves Make sure the battered know theyre not alone Although we havent lived the same, ive lived some. Let my words help you, i want to help you. I want to see you become something i am not I want you to do great things and be a great person So 20 years from now you'll look at your life and think of me A life with beauty like a lotus Living content in murky impure water Accept. Everything. Theres no need to stress your mind with over exaggerated thought Show them how your brain works instead Show them emotions and thoughts can be domesticated But dont show them feeling Be the voice of reason at the bottom of the barrel Act as though youre only scared of feeling scared Be who youre supposed to be julia Beautiful, young, logical and rational Help anyone you can

0

Dec 16, 2013

Dec 16, 2013 at 1:43 PM UTC

julia-lane

Live like a Lotus

Sing it they said Put your thoughts in melodies And change emotions into rhythm Say how he hurt you and took a piece of your heart when he left Preach the heartbreak of girls around the world And say it didnt **** me to all the victims of abuse It made me who i am after all, and i dont even plan on killing him A mad girls love song the poets will hum in their graves Make sure the battered know theyre not alone Although we havent lived the same, ive lived some. Let my words help you, i want to help you. I want to see you become something i am not I want you to do great things and be a great person So 20 years from now you'll look at your life and think of me A life with beauty like a lotus Living content in murky impure water Accept. Everything. Theres no need to stress your mind with over exaggerated thought Show them how your brain works instead Show them emotions and thoughts can be domesticated But dont show them feeling Be the voice of reason at the bottom of the barrel Act as though youre only scared of feeling scared Be who youre supposed to be julia Beautiful, young, logical and rational Help anyone you can

27

to die by your side, wouldnt that be such a heavenly way to die? to take my last breath with the warmth of your lips on mine. with your hand holding my face and your body hot on mine. to feel myself drift away when youre holding me in your arms. reality fades away in your eyes. to die with your heart, stilling beating for mine. to leave watching you, such a beautiful way to remember my life. in an ugly world, ive done such ugly things. now all i need is to watch it all fade to beauty while i feel your hand on the back of my neck and your deep blue eyes stare at mine with love, nothing else. when im gone, dont mourn the time we couldnt spend. treasure the moment we have. though they are few, if i were to die all time we have spent would feel like my life like i was made who i am for you. i want to leave this world with your breath in my ear and your words guiding me the whole way. if i were to die, dont watch me, talk to me. tell me to wait for you. tell me youll always love me. i love you so much, and to die by your side is the only way i wouldnt be scared of the eternal light.

0

Nov 26, 2013

Nov 26, 2013 at 7:56 AM UTC

julia-lane

to die by your side

to die by your side, wouldnt that be such a heavenly way to die? to take my last breath with the warmth of your lips on mine. with your hand holding my face and your body hot on mine. to feel myself drift away when youre holding me in your arms. reality fades away in your eyes. to die with your heart, stilling beating for mine. to leave watching you, such a beautiful way to remember my life. in an ugly world, ive done such ugly things. now all i need is to watch it all fade to beauty while i feel your hand on the back of my neck and your deep blue eyes stare at mine with love, nothing else. when im gone, dont mourn the time we couldnt spend. treasure the moment we have. though they are few, if i were to die all time we have spent would feel like my life like i was made who i am for you. i want to leave this world with your breath in my ear and your words guiding me the whole way. if i were to die, dont watch me, talk to me. tell me to wait for you. tell me youll always love me. i love you so much, and to die by your side is the only way i wouldnt be scared of the eternal light.

22

i dont wanna be that girl, nobody wants that pressure to be an idealization. im me, me is julia. julia holds herself, she doesnt let other people effect her thinking or acting or decision making processes. so you shouldnt either. dont act because you want someone to see you that way, act because you like the way it makes you feel. live for yourself, until you find your match. then you live for your family, what you love, only because you couldnt bare to see them hurt, and you should care how they see you. theyre whats matters most to you, you spend an hour getting ready to see them. take the time to think through how they would feel hearing about what your doing. those who care dont matter, those who matter wont care.

0

Nov 22, 2013

Nov 22, 2013 at 9:33 AM UTC

julia-lane

bad juju

i dont wanna be that girl, nobody wants that pressure to be an idealization. im me, me is julia. julia holds herself, she doesnt let other people effect her thinking or acting or decision making processes. so you shouldnt either. dont act because you want someone to see you that way, act because you like the way it makes you feel. live for yourself, until you find your match. then you live for your family, what you love, only because you couldnt bare to see them hurt, and you should care how they see you. theyre whats matters most to you, you spend an hour getting ready to see them. take the time to think through how they would feel hearing about what your doing. those who care dont matter, those who matter wont care.

16

fragment of my life have shaped my persona moments like sitting in the rain with my sister till my destructive parents stopped verbally abusing each other or when my temper got so bad i actually hit my sister, my blood, my savior never again will i lay hands on a person whose heart i occupy moments like when my childhood turned to reality and my heart was mutilated by the devil on my shoulder or when post traumatic stress disorder nearly killed my young liver with a liter of ***** times i spent, years i wasted on people who never wanted to understand me to see me, and to care the way i had moments like when my mom said she wanted to **** herself and her kissing my forehead as she left the next morning or seeing my dad throw himself away drown in a bottle of liquor for too long the weeks i spent letting self sustained emotions make my face hot and soak my pillow with tears nights where the thunder shook my nerves and nightmares prevented my sleep or nights when the night was too dark that only the shine of blood my skin was concealing made my heart calm and my skin numb and my mind blank the blade was my savior, my sanity i look back on these moment knowing ill never forget them. having spent years ******* up so horribly and hurting not only myself but people i care about and gathering my feelings and learning painful lessons to be able to say i finally know what i want with my time and i know how i want to spend my days and i'm starting to figure out how i work, who i am and how to curtail my destructive feelings and moderate my impulsive actions.

0

Nov 17, 2013

Nov 17, 2013 at 7:45 PM UTC

julia-lane

I'll never forget

fragment of my life have shaped my persona moments like sitting in the rain with my sister till my destructive parents stopped verbally abusing each other or when my temper got so bad i actually hit my sister, my blood, my savior never again will i lay hands on a person whose heart i occupy moments like when my childhood turned to reality and my heart was mutilated by the devil on my shoulder or when post traumatic stress disorder nearly killed my young liver with a liter of ***** times i spent, years i wasted on people who never wanted to understand me to see me, and to care the way i had moments like when my mom said she wanted to **** herself and her kissing my forehead as she left the next morning or seeing my dad throw himself away drown in a bottle of liquor for too long the weeks i spent letting self sustained emotions make my face hot and soak my pillow with tears nights where the thunder shook my nerves and nightmares prevented my sleep or nights when the night was too dark that only the shine of blood my skin was concealing made my heart calm and my skin numb and my mind blank the blade was my savior, my sanity i look back on these moment knowing ill never forget them. having spent years ******* up so horribly and hurting not only myself but people i care about and gathering my feelings and learning painful lessons to be able to say i finally know what i want with my time and i know how i want to spend my days and i'm starting to figure out how i work, who i am and how to curtail my destructive feelings and moderate my impulsive actions.

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