Late September nights filled with
hushed voices and hand sanitizer
instead of essays about Romeo and Juliet.
You fell asleep in plastic chairs to the
melody of a constant beeping lullaby.
A walk to the cafeteria where you found
company in the doctors with circles
under their eyes. During these months
you redefined a "midnight snack" and
the journey was always longer than
the walk to the fridge at home.

Then a change of scenery came, but
the same routine remained. Days
blended into nights and soon you
were in the hospital on Christmas
holding back tears.
One foggy winter afternoon became
the date after the dash on a man's
gravestone; you knew because those
screams only ever mean one thing.
You wondered who would be next
and heard those cries for days after.
Your friends wondered why your
face grew cold when someone's
voice got too loud-you blamed it
on lack of sleep. But you weren't so
bad after a week, you were better right?

Well you were better in the sense that
your heart still beat and you knew the
exact cost of a grilled cheese and chocolate
milk in the cafeteria. But you were worse
in how you always forgot a straw to take
back upstairs and you didn't know her
room number, only the that it was the
third door on the right.

Your mom knew the security guards like
they were old friends but you didn't even
know their names because you were always
ashamed to be leaving. You saw the different
stages of grief on the faces of people in the
elevator and could tell when the last time
they cried was (it was always the night before.)

You knew her medication better than the doctors
and that scared you so you focused on the lines
on the monitor that you barely understood.
You grew used to sympathetic looks from familiar
faces in the halls. You hoped the families on those
couches would only be there for the night and not
the month like you were. You took on responsibility
you never wanted and that nurses didn't acknowledge.

You've grown into someone you don't want to be anymore;
filled with anger and grief. You laugh at everything hoping
you can force yourself to be happy, but it never works.
You don't allow yourself to think about anything other
than the bad and you don't know how to stop.
You can't tear down the very wall you built.