Jan 2014
Last night it was terribly cold
But I lingered outside anyhow.
Walking home at 1 am, again,
I took the long way
Stopped by every spot that I could feel you in.
The streetlights still spilled light on the ground in rivers and puddles
And it was still gold
But much sharper- frozen.
It was dead silent everywhere.
I was alone, with my gloves and my scarf and my breath leaving little ghosts of your name hanging in the air
So cold it felt like it had an electrical charge.
I put on that song, and I let myself pretend you were beside me.
My fingers were stiff
And my cheeks were almost numb
But I walked slow to that song
That reminds me of you.
Wistfully I found the spot where we'd paused near the shops
And the one in the parking lot
And the construction site where we took photographs on that spectacularly warm December night.
You know
It's all closed up now.
There are walls where you stood before
And leaned close to me and made me shiver.
I shivered, remembering,
And pulled my scarf closer.
I felt lost. Even with the music in my ears,
I felt the silence of the whole world pressing in on me.
So quiet and still that to breathe or take a step was to shatter it like the gunfire cracking of ice.
I tilted my head back and searched the black sky
And while I'd been wandering the clouds had parted for a moment
And there it was, one star, bright and perfect.
And all of a sudden a smile snuck onto my lips like a surprise
Demure as a sigh, and then bold as a shout
And I was grinning, all alone in the middle of the darkened street.
Suddenly I was just so full of joy and awe that a laugh crept up my throat
And I had to hold it back to keep from splintering the black-ice night sky into little crystal shards at my feet.
I don't know how long I walked,
Slow,
Treasuring the moment,
Closing my eyes against the wind
And so that I could better remember your face.
And if some of my love slid down my cheeks
I didn't feel it happen
Only noticed a blurred halo around that lovely far-away star I kept glancing up at.
And I learned something about myself.
I learned that I carry my home around with me.
That if I really need it, it's there, in my heart.
If I really, really love you
I can remember you so completely that I laugh for joy.
But I lingered outside anyhow.
Walking home at 1 am, again,
I took the long way
Stopped by every spot that I could feel you in.
The streetlights still spilled light on the ground in rivers and puddles
And it was still gold
But much sharper- frozen.
It was dead silent everywhere.
I was alone, with my gloves and my scarf and my breath leaving little ghosts of your name hanging in the air
So cold it felt like it had an electrical charge.
I put on that song, and I let myself pretend you were beside me.
My fingers were stiff
And my cheeks were almost numb
But I walked slow to that song
That reminds me of you.
Wistfully I found the spot where we'd paused near the shops
And the one in the parking lot
And the construction site where we took photographs on that spectacularly warm December night.
You know
It's all closed up now.
There are walls where you stood before
And leaned close to me and made me shiver.
I shivered, remembering,
And pulled my scarf closer.
I felt lost. Even with the music in my ears,
I felt the silence of the whole world pressing in on me.
So quiet and still that to breathe or take a step was to shatter it like the gunfire cracking of ice.
I tilted my head back and searched the black sky
And while I'd been wandering the clouds had parted for a moment
And there it was, one star, bright and perfect.
And all of a sudden a smile snuck onto my lips like a surprise
Demure as a sigh, and then bold as a shout
And I was grinning, all alone in the middle of the darkened street.
Suddenly I was just so full of joy and awe that a laugh crept up my throat
And I had to hold it back to keep from splintering the black-ice night sky into little crystal shards at my feet.
I don't know how long I walked,
Slow,
Treasuring the moment,
Closing my eyes against the wind
And so that I could better remember your face.
And if some of my love slid down my cheeks
I didn't feel it happen
Only noticed a blurred halo around that lovely far-away star I kept glancing up at.
And I learned something about myself.
I learned that I carry my home around with me.
That if I really need it, it's there, in my heart.
If I really, really love you
I can remember you so completely that I laugh for joy.
