Sometimes
I cut deep into my own flesh
and pour salt
lemon juice
powdered glass
acid
into my open,
bleeding,
pulsing
veins.
Because that pain
is under my control;
I can pretend it feels good.
I can pretend I want it.

Sometimes
I crack open my head
and pour out words
feelings
thoughts
emotions
and fill it up with
emptiness
emptiness
emptiness.
Because losing myself
to myself
is better than losing myself
to the pain of losing you.

Sometimes
I want to *****
cry
scream
drown
and release all my
hatred
numbness
fear.
Because then I would have
released you.
I could maybe feel lighter.
I could maybe feel better.