veins remembering needles and sticky tar
will never stop feeling pinpricks-
girls with trackmarks will never forget
the words men whisper as they get their hits

we spent our summer writing songs,
and burning through packs of cigarettes--
we lit our way through the promised land,
and found that no promise is ever kept

swimming doesn't feel the same
when beach-goers stare down your scars
i am looking for an exit route;
something strong to take me out

ever since you wrapped that noose around your neck,
i have suffocated underneath your death-
what made you think i could handle it?
what made you think i was strong enough?

i often blame myself for your loss;
"what if i was there?" would you be gone?
because *******, i miss you
you didn't have to drown-- alone

you bang, and run, and jump up and down throughout my frazzled brain
my pillow has lost it’s softness- it has become filled with you
your sweet little laugh,
the stupid ******* jokes you always played...

it was not a joke when you hung yourself.
no one laughed; no one dared make the slightest of sounds.
we held our breath and danced with candles
until the moon in itself faltered and fell down.

i miss you
endlessly.
i felt your sorrow when your tears fell upon my pale legs;
i told you that you were loved and you didn't believe me

tylenol won't fix the ache that breaks me,
and codeine has never tasted so bitter--
my lungs are sputtering black dust;
i wish the cigarettes would burn you away