I look in the mirror and I don't see the same thing that the gas station cameras show that hang above as you walk in. I read before that we view ourselves 5 times more beautiful and I don't want to understand the difference.

I stood at the park watching the ponds sway. the ducks try to reach water through the ice and I thought for a moment about throwing myself in and if it was slush or if I'd never find my way out again. would my body just be a blue blob not because of cold but because of my sweatshirt I was wearing and if the boy sitting on the guard rail would run to save me but then i remembered boys always let me drown.

I sat in my driveway listening to the silence ringing in my ears with the fuzz in my head. Been hurting for days, I wish mites would crawl in and eat it away maybe there's a tumor there they could fix but the CT scan 5 years ago showed no complaint even though I complained about it.

No where else to go i sat in a deep stare and not that I want to die but it felt good to think about how it would feel not to feel at all cause even when you're numb something remains its like peeling off 3 layers exposing skin that lives underneath and that can be a very dangerous thing.

but my friend told me to keep crawling till I walk so I promised I would try. even with this overwhelming urge that I'm wasting my life.


It's gonna be another lonely night.