Jan 2014
The first thing that hits me is the fear.
I wake up screaming in my heart, plastered to the sheets of my bed that weigh me down like an anchor. There are tears streaming down my face and I know if I could see my own face at that very moment, there would be terror; panic etched in every corner. It should comfort me, the morning rays of sunlight dancing in the room, but it doesn't. Only when I take the first inhale and exhale of the day does my pulse start to slow down, my mind reminding me that I am awake. That this is reality now, and everything that I just saw - no matter how real it seemed - was only just a dream.
I turn to my side and whisper in frantic breaths for you to still be safe, to always be safe, to be alive. It is a mindless thing, acted upon impulsion, desperation and intuition. There are things in this world that cannot be explained until a person finds themselves in that particular position, and this is one of them. This is the second time, a voice reminds me in the back of my thoughts, that I have been terrified that you have possibly passed on. Scared to the very core of my heart, even, and it frightens me to even consider the possibility of you not there.
People don’t understand. I didn't either, not for a very long time, how one can love another wholeheartedly and completely. To be connected to someone in your heart - and to just know that connection is, and has always been there. That somehow all the moments in life and everything that happened was building up to that one grand moment where it all began. That even though you try to convince yourself otherwise, you know you would do anything for them. That despite everything that has happened, you still hope for everything in the future to happen, a future with them still in it, because they’re a part of all you have.
Sleep takes me under her wing soon after my murmuring ends, but you are still at the tip of my tongue, base of my thoughts and whole of my heart.
Please, I love you. Be safe, be safe, be safe.
(A.H.Z)
I wake up screaming in my heart, plastered to the sheets of my bed that weigh me down like an anchor. There are tears streaming down my face and I know if I could see my own face at that very moment, there would be terror; panic etched in every corner. It should comfort me, the morning rays of sunlight dancing in the room, but it doesn't. Only when I take the first inhale and exhale of the day does my pulse start to slow down, my mind reminding me that I am awake. That this is reality now, and everything that I just saw - no matter how real it seemed - was only just a dream.
I turn to my side and whisper in frantic breaths for you to still be safe, to always be safe, to be alive. It is a mindless thing, acted upon impulsion, desperation and intuition. There are things in this world that cannot be explained until a person finds themselves in that particular position, and this is one of them. This is the second time, a voice reminds me in the back of my thoughts, that I have been terrified that you have possibly passed on. Scared to the very core of my heart, even, and it frightens me to even consider the possibility of you not there.
People don’t understand. I didn't either, not for a very long time, how one can love another wholeheartedly and completely. To be connected to someone in your heart - and to just know that connection is, and has always been there. That somehow all the moments in life and everything that happened was building up to that one grand moment where it all began. That even though you try to convince yourself otherwise, you know you would do anything for them. That despite everything that has happened, you still hope for everything in the future to happen, a future with them still in it, because they’re a part of all you have.
Sleep takes me under her wing soon after my murmuring ends, but you are still at the tip of my tongue, base of my thoughts and whole of my heart.
Please, I love you. Be safe, be safe, be safe.
(A.H.Z)
