I don't know
what I have left to say
anymore. I
have asked and
I have reasoned and I have
begged you to stay
away from me, keep
out of my head,
out of my place,
for it is mine
(though it is where I die)
and I have not granted you
permission to enter.
I am angry and I
desperate and I am
terrified. I am down
on my knees before you
(you, who never
wanted to see me this way
ever again) and
my hands are claws
grasping at you, frantically trying
to make you see
why I want you
far away from me and
I am throwing myself
down at your feet.
When I look up, I see you
as my enemy
and I scream
and I scramble up off the ground
as my teeth bare into a snarl, as
my hands curl into fists and rise
of their own volition.
In that moment, I fear
neither death
nor you.
In that moment, I fear
myself, for this
is what you
(you, who never wanted
to hurt me, who only ever wanted
for me to love myself
as you love me)
have made me -
a beast. I am
terrified and I
am desperate and
I am distraught. See
what you have done to me.
This is not love, this
is poison, this
is madness. And now
I will not make this mistake
again. The gate
will no longer open
for you, because I
cannot force you
to leave when I
need this place,
any place,
to call mine. You stand
here, above me, and
your eyes and your
shoulders and
your feet shout
"I love you" and
your love is a gunshot.
The bullet enters
my chest and I
crumple, unable
to fight against you
any longer. This
is the only way you
can be allowed to stay -
over my dead body.