There was this girl --
she wasn’t just a girl
not just any girl
She was the girl
who looked at me different
She looked at me unlike
any other person
looked at me
Friends, strangers, my own parents
no, she looked at me differently
Not with disapproving eyes
not with disappointment
no contempt
no shame
no regret
Not even with wonder
or amazement
or excitement
When she looked at me
she didn’t see what I once was
or what I could one day be
She didn’t see past mistakes
or wasted potential
or squandered talent
She didn’t see goals
that were too great to achieve
or dreams that were abandoned
and never to be realized
She didn’t see the boy
that grew up too soon
or the man
that didn’t grow up fast enough
She didn’t see me lost
in the wilderness of my own doubts
my fears
my demons
She didn’t see me drowning
in the sea of my own self pity
my apathy
my bottles
She never saw any of those things
When she looked at me
all she saw was me
just me as I was
naked and bare
skin and bones and hair and nails
She saw me open and empty
waiting to be filled
and then emptied again
Somewhere in there she saw a soul
or at least the small spark of one
a soul that must have meant something
that must have been
worth sticking around for
It must have meant that I was there
that I was present
at least in some capacity
I cared
cared for her
for something
anything
Now I sit and wonder
what happened to the soul
I wonder where it went
where it could have gone
I wonder why it left
how it went away
what I did to destroy it
I must have destroyed it
because she doesn’t look at me anymore
there’s nothing left
for her to see
those eyes are gone
and I miss them
I should have appreciated them more
looked into them
reassured them
I should have figured
that one day
they wouldn’t be there
to look at me anymore
I just didn’t see
how tired they were
her tired eyes
tired of me
What I wouldn’t give for someone
to just look at me
like that again
if only just once
just for a second
She never saw any of those things
when she looked at me
and neither did I
when I looked at her