There was this girl --
she wasn’t just a girl
not just any girl

She was the girl
who looked at me different

She looked at me unlike
any other person
looked at me

Friends, strangers, my own parents
no, she looked at me differently

Not with disapproving eyes
not with disappointment

no contempt
no shame
no regret

Not even with wonder

or amazement

or excitement

When she looked at me
she didn’t see what I once was
or what I could one day be

She didn’t see past mistakes

or wasted potential

or squandered talent

She didn’t see goals
that were too great to achieve
or dreams that were abandoned
and never to be realized

She didn’t see the boy
that grew up too soon
or the man
that didn’t grow up fast enough

She didn’t see me lost
in the wilderness of my own doubts

my fears

my demons

She didn’t see me drowning
in the sea of my own self pity

my apathy

my bottles

She never saw any of those things

When she looked at me
all she saw was me
just me as I was
naked and bare
skin and bones and hair and nails

She saw me open and empty
waiting to be filled
and then emptied again

Somewhere in there she saw a soul
or at least the small spark of one
a soul that must have meant something
that must have been
worth sticking around for

It must have meant that I was there
that I was present
at least in some capacity
I cared
cared for her
for something
anything

Now I sit and wonder
what happened to the soul

I wonder where it went
where it could have gone
I wonder why it left
how it went away
what I did to destroy it

I must have destroyed it
because she doesn’t look at me anymore
there’s nothing left
for her to see

those eyes are gone
and I miss them

I should have appreciated them more
looked into them
reassured them

I should have figured
that one day
they wouldn’t be there
to look at me anymore

I just didn’t see
how tired they were
her tired eyes
tired of me

What I wouldn’t give for someone
to just look at me
like that again

if only just once
just for a second

She never saw any of those things
when she looked at me
and neither did I
when I looked at her