The other day I phoned a friend, I shan't be usin' names
"Not alright, I tell ya, Gee, my eyeball's shootin' flames!"
"Owie! Owie! Owie! Oh!, Chiliman I like ya so
do tell me what has happened though I know you will be well"

"While chopping jalapenos without the proper guise
I washed my hands both 'fore and aft' but much to my demise
I went to pop my contact in and soon would realize
a flaming side of poppers and a sizzling batch of fries!"

Well I knew he wasn't faking and it took me by surprise
that my heart was feeling something which I couldn't minimize
he must have sensed me crying, guess it opened up his eyes...........
(that awkward length of silence which one-sided love implies)

and sensing he could break me down, I felt I must disguise
so I layered up and told him, "I've got onions in my eyes!"
"Woe is you and oh so woe, Gee girl how I like you so
tell me what has happened though I know you will be well."

"While chopping up the onions without the proper guise
I washed my hands before and aft' but much to my demise
can't blame me now for hoping we could do without the lies
But I'm just a bloomin' onion and I need to guard my...eyes."

And with the sharin' of the troubles and the things that caused us pain
there's comfort in the knowing, for what else have we to gain?
But if I lose you then tomorrow, because today I have been real
Best I learned another thing, to hold back what I feel.

And when everything which must be added is put in the Chili-man's crock
a five-to-one hand wash of water and bleach is best to avoid pepper shock.