I've never been so sure in my life
I was sitting on my bed
First of all, I'd like to point out
That on Facebook, you can star your friends
And get emails when they update their status
So I do that for my friends
Anyway, I was going through my inbox
And a certain email caught my eye
All I saw was, "J...... is in a relationship"
And my heart dropped
I got that nervous feeling you get
When you're afraid to do something
My mouth was almost on the floor
I wanted to cry
I thought I was gonna be sick
And it's ridiculous because I know I have no shot
But I still care
It's that feeling you get
When the ex you still love gets in a relationship
And I feel like Christians are more successful in relationships
Everytime I see her, I'm going to get that sick feeling
And she still doesn't know
Because now,
It's so hard not to say
I don't wanna risk losing her like I did with M
That was a train track to hell
Just another accident waiting to happen
And it totally ***** because she promised me that we'd hang one day
But the chances of that going to happen have just been lowered
Because she's going to want to see him
I don't know the guy personally
But he went to the same school as J
She told me she liked him
When she went to prom with him
I was just hoping he wouldn't like her back
I know it's selfish
But I just want it to end
It's hard watching that
I guess you could say I saw it coming
But I just prayed it wouldn't happen
I don't wanna lose her
I knew they were gonna date
They're best friends
And that's what hurts the most
She's such a perfect person
And judge me if you want,
But I don't care
She has all of the qualities of a best friend
She's nice
She's sweet
She's reliable
Perfect
And I may be crazy,
But I just don't care
People can say what I want
But she's not like M
M was just different
A different person to me
Somebody that I used to know
I wrote this around 5:30 a.m.
That shows you how much sleep I've lost
I got around 5 hours
That *****
Everytime I think about it,
My stomach just gets queasy
It's so selfish of me to want them to break up
but I just don't know
Doesn't that make any normal person who is having their heart broken?
Don't I have a right to wish that?
Doesn't that make me human?
It's just what I want
J is different from all the others I've liked
The others really didn't care about me
She has gotten me through some stuff
She actually cares
We talk like best friends sometimes
I remember when she was picking out dresses for prom
And there was no one more excited to show me her dress than she was
And I just to tell her so bad
And you have no idea how much it hurts not to tell
But **** it, it is
I just don't want her to judge me like the others did
All I do is pray
I mean, isn't that all I can do?
I guess my eyes have really opened up
Right now, it's still just hard to take in
It's so hard to believe
But it's happening
I'm thinking about it so much that my eyes aren't even tired
Despite getting 5 hours of sleep
And I wish I could tell people are church (youth group)
But I'm afraid of judgment there
I guess that's a chance I gotta take
Most people there are friends with her
I'm not concerned with them telling her
As much as I am with them feeling uncomfortable about knowing
And not being able to tell her
All I know is this can't get back to her
It just can't
It'd be all over if it did
My mom would be like, "Be careful. I don't want another lawsuit." (That's a whole other story)
And I'd be like, "Nah it's okay. M's cool with it."
But look what happened with that
And I'm afraid that J won't know how to handle it
Just like M
And people say I obsess
This time, I don't think it's obsessing
I think it's true love this time
I really think I love J
But I can't let her know that
I don't wanna scare her away
God, if I had one shot,
It would make a difference
I could make her happy
I know I could
But I guess I just can't
I just can't stop thinking about it
What the hell am I supposed to do?
I'm scared to death right now
I guess that's the way my life was meant to be
It's always been that way
Fall for someone.
Get stabbed in the heart.
I've just been disillusioned
I thought I was safe
I thought I could make it happen
But that's me getting carried away
And it ***** that fate is an elegant, cold-hearted *****
And it doesn't matter how many times I go through this
It will always be J
Always and forever
My friends actually encouraged me to forget about everyone else
And focus on her
I did that
Sorta.
And I know I'm just some obnoxious kid
But I can be better than that
If I had a shot, I could show you
Just give me one chance
Please
God please
Maybe this is a punishment for everything I've done
I've been disillusioned and let down by so many people
If J and that guy get married,
I hope she doesn't invite me
Cause I'm not sure I'd be there to see it (If you catch my drift)
I can't live with hell
And again, I don't care what anyone says
It's my life
Let me live it the way I want to
Of course, this isn't the way I want my life to be,
But if I wanna fall for someone like this, I will
I just want to tell someone
Let it all spill out
It's just so devastating
I don't think I can ever be happy again
It's just like that
My whole world has come to an end
Right now, that guy has it all
He has it all in his hands
And I just can't stop thinking about how he's kissing her
And holding her hand
And has his arms around her
When all I'm thinking is, "That should be me."
Please don't turn into anything serious
She's gonna fall in love with him
I know it
And I'll be just another shadow in the crowd
J doesn't know it,
But she's everything to me
She's everything
And I'm sure along the line,
Some people will laugh at me
Some will feel sympathy
Some will say, "Get over it."
Some will say, "You never had a chance."
Some just won't care
Some will say, "Just move on."
God it's not that easy
You don't understand what I've been through
You don't know what it's like
You don't know how hard it is to just let it go that fast,
Especially with OCD
So until you've actually gone through it and understand it,
Don't tell me to move on
I've never had someone love me like that
Can someone just change their mind?
Please?
The sad thing is haven't actually cried yet
But eventually, my tears will build up inside of me
And I'll end up flooding myself
One chance is what I'm asking for
Is that too much to ask for?
Just one chance
I can prove everyone and everything wrong.
I guarantee I can
Please just trust me