as the minutes passed on, I felt my sanity slowly depleting.
all of a sudden I felt numb almost.
like I didn't exist.
I felt unreal.
it was quite a strange feeling.
there was a point where I felt completely distant from everything.
that was one of the darkest times of my life.
I had never felt so disconnected from everything around me.
I'd never been so empty.
I remember at some point realizing I had lost my sanity altogether.
I knew that I was no longer normal.
my mind was no longer functioning properly.
and I believe I'd realized this when I found my skin itching to be
torn open once more.
soon after that,
I found myself trudging to the scale I had in my bathroom.
every morning and every night.
it became a daily routine.
in the morning, I'd mentally record my weight.
in the afternoon, I'd restrict my food intake.
and finally in the evening, I'd make my way back to the scale and
scold myself for not being the weight I wanted.
even as a child I remember not being happy with myself.
I remember looking down at my stomach in my Cinderella costume
and thinking I was fat.
at the time, I was six years old.
I don't know if I ever really was "sane."
but I do know that I wasn't always so mentally ******.
and everyday I regret letting the cold darkness invade my soul.