I've been missing out on something
for a really long time now
it's starting to (finally) to make sense
and I'm beginning to (finally) understand our fascination
with each other

Maybe my past has been preventing me from experiencing it
Or perhaps it's my current state of body and mind
the two are so closely linked that I can't properly pry them apart.

Maybe that's why I love children
so nonthreatening and uncaring  
so small and close, without a care of convention

Maybe that's why I don't know a whole lot of vital information
about myself- that apparently I SHOULD know
that apparently everybody else on this ******* planet knows

But last night I saw it
in that old hole in the wall  
I saw the way she looked at him and how he looked back
I saw how couples were holding hands, getting closer
I saw friends all dancing together
and I realized that I am really bad at all this connection
I can connect to you with words, not touches
I realized that when he put his arm around my waist
and I froze and pulled away
I just couldn't, even though it might have been nice

Maybe it will be someday- maybe I will be able to let go
but for now I am aware, and that's enough