Dec 2013
A place just for me, you see.
I can hid there and never be seen.
In this place I typically don't cry.
I am the real me, no need to cut me ear to ear just to see a smile here.
You see dear, if I ever were to tell you what I imagine here you'd have me sent away.
Would you like a little insight?
Shhh, don't tell of these words.
I think of taking the blade that sits there in the corner and slicing my wrists.
Letting the blood drip.
I find it fascinating to hold my hand up, like I could just grab a star.
But then the reality is, I am only holding my arm up to let the blood run down it.
I let it pour out.
Its no longer a drop or two,
I've grown out of that faze.
I like thinking of the acetaminophen sitting just 4 inches away.
I reach for it, it rubs against my finger tips
I can't grasp it,
palms too sweaty and hands too shaky.
I finally get it into my reach.
I reach in with my ****** index and pointer fingers,
I get out just two pills.
It is just a start I tell myself, just enough for a deep sleep.
But then I remember I never want to be woken up.
I swallow the two pills and pick up the blade again.
I carve "victim" into my thigh,
that's what I was my whole life.
I get some blood on my fingers,
I am aware I have only a few minutes before I become dizzy.
I start writing my suicide note to my family.
I am writing it my blood.
Maybe I could have left something more beautiful,
imagine not being able to find your daughter but when you did she was in a puddle of blood with ****** writing surrounding where she lays, limp and cold.
I reach for the bottle of acetaminophen.
I need more, lots more, to reach my desired amount of sleep.
I pour the bottle on my hands, one pill falls, then two, then three.
I eventually lost count.
I careful place each and every pill on my tongue.
I let each one represent everything bad I have been called, and everything bad i've been forced into.
I step closer to my deep sleep.
I feel the ***** coming up my throat,
Like the demons crawling up my insides.
I ***** up water, I haven't eaten in days.
I *****, and then curl up into a ball,
I am surrounded by my own blood.
I'm slipping away,
I can feel it.
Good night, I whisper.
*H.T
I can hid there and never be seen.
In this place I typically don't cry.
I am the real me, no need to cut me ear to ear just to see a smile here.
You see dear, if I ever were to tell you what I imagine here you'd have me sent away.
Would you like a little insight?
Shhh, don't tell of these words.
I think of taking the blade that sits there in the corner and slicing my wrists.
Letting the blood drip.
I find it fascinating to hold my hand up, like I could just grab a star.
But then the reality is, I am only holding my arm up to let the blood run down it.
I let it pour out.
Its no longer a drop or two,
I've grown out of that faze.
I like thinking of the acetaminophen sitting just 4 inches away.
I reach for it, it rubs against my finger tips
I can't grasp it,
palms too sweaty and hands too shaky.
I finally get it into my reach.
I reach in with my ****** index and pointer fingers,
I get out just two pills.
It is just a start I tell myself, just enough for a deep sleep.
But then I remember I never want to be woken up.
I swallow the two pills and pick up the blade again.
I carve "victim" into my thigh,
that's what I was my whole life.
I get some blood on my fingers,
I am aware I have only a few minutes before I become dizzy.
I start writing my suicide note to my family.
I am writing it my blood.
Maybe I could have left something more beautiful,
imagine not being able to find your daughter but when you did she was in a puddle of blood with ****** writing surrounding where she lays, limp and cold.
I reach for the bottle of acetaminophen.
I need more, lots more, to reach my desired amount of sleep.
I pour the bottle on my hands, one pill falls, then two, then three.
I eventually lost count.
I careful place each and every pill on my tongue.
I let each one represent everything bad I have been called, and everything bad i've been forced into.
I step closer to my deep sleep.
I feel the ***** coming up my throat,
Like the demons crawling up my insides.
I ***** up water, I haven't eaten in days.
I *****, and then curl up into a ball,
I am surrounded by my own blood.
I'm slipping away,
I can feel it.
Good night, I whisper.
*H.T
