i text you when i'm high,
because when i'm sober i let myself get too invested.
I get so nervous of what you'll think of me, that i become paralyzed,
and it's really lame.

and it's funny how when I come home, they're all gone like before.
and i have to stop myself from getting high,
and I feel like I need more of an effort to have fun.
i need more **** or more ***** to really forget about all of it.

Why is it that I still walk into a book store bathroom, hit with the smell of lavender and flashbacks
and i still catch myself from falling to the floor
because
Smells bring me back
putting my heart and stomach in pain and regret and whys

so many whys

and yet
I feel like I have to prove myself to you
I have to hang out with you to make sure you're out of my heart
So I envision you with extra pimples and messy hair, bad breath.

Literally anything to turn me off.
But it's so lame
it's so so lame

because we both know I wouldn't care,
in the best way.

Then there's you,
who doesn't care if we see each other at all.