The problem does not lie within the fact that I do bad things. The issue is that nobody wants to be bad alone. If nobody is willing to be bad with you, it is no longer fun. It becomes sad, you become self loathing and empty. You realize the pain that you have the potential to cause and you understand that you are only hurting yourself. You bottle it up and store it in the back of your head forever, but every time you look at the person - or even yourself - the thought lingers… ‘they didn't want to be bad with you, you have corrupted them’. You feel pathetic and you slip back into your old depression. You are numb again. You waste your life sleeping until they send you away. Always hospitalized and treated, sent back into the world. Nothing has changed. You are still full of corruption and mistakes, still just as empty and neglected. You are damaged for the world to see. And you continue this pattern until you rot in the ground, leaving just as you came. Imperfect and alone. Meaningless and molded by Man.
*kd