at the desk, applying for jobs there is coffee in my cup and paint in the creases of my fingernails, on the wall, a whiteboard with new song lyrics and a list of things I need to buy, of course, once I have the money to buy them, which brings me back to the desk which an empty bottle of Cabernet Merlot sits with an empty glass and notebooks and a mason jar with cloudy brown-red water from the bristles of my paintbrushes my coffee is cold the french press is in the kitchen but my flatmate is filming in there so I’m stuck at my desk with two sips of cold coffee left, applying for jobs. I feel very fragile right now, partly because I didn’t go to a job interview today, partly because I didn’t go to a job trial, on friday though I don’t want to be a waitress and **** modelling for art classes scares me. there’s a plant on my windowsill named Lucy and she doesn’t have to do anything and there are two vanilla candles and an incense holder with lavender incense burning but **** all the things that "bring peace" like small plants, candles, incense, crystals and photographs; I want a healthy and clean life, so I have these things part as a protection from my own mind but to be perfectly honest, I’m at the desk, browsing jobs online, saving them for later into a bookmark folder entitled "Wellington Jobs" instead of actually applying.