5d
I sit in a private room of a skilled nursing facility with my father
All day when my mind is not occupied by my work or by a tv show I force myself to watch
I worry for him
Here alone
I don’t know his schedule for physical therapy
Though I suppose I could get that information and that might give me some peace of mind
To look at the clock and know he is with someone
Getting his body stronger
Anyway, I feel that for the first time in two weeks since he got so weak he had to go to the ER, then he was admitted to the hospital and then put here
I feel a bit of ease
No one else is here with me
And I feel no need to entertain him
As he is resting here in the bed
His rail thin body covered in a sheet and a hospital gown
Eyes closed
The room smells vaguely of **** and cleaning supplies
More than likely due to the soiled towel in a plastic bag on the floor and the strong soap I just used to wash my hands
I hear him breathing quietly
He seems to be at rest
Oh never mind
The nurse comes in to feed him
The bright lights hurt his eyes
She checks his blood sugar and ****** his finger
He needs to eat
Oh never mind she will be back in ten minutes
He lets me know that it’s never 10 minutes
The lights are on and he’s making some conversation
And I want to cry so badly
I’m so mad my brother isn’t here
Enduring this alone
He doesn’t know what this is
I can’t believe I do
My dad makes a whimpering noise
My eyes are rimmed with tears I won’t let grow or fall
My friends are not good at supporting me and I suppose I’m not good at asking
They have their lives
And my dying father is not enough for them to drop anything to come spend some time with me on my couch
No one who I know my age knows how to deal with this
Most of my peers’ fathers will get sick in ten or twenty more years
The nurse comes back
He sits up with far more ease and less pain than I’ve seen him do in months
I’ve never sat in the room while he gets fed like this
I’ve fed him from the tube at home but that was different he was surrounded by my childhood home
In his own clothes
Here it all seems so vulnerable
In an adult diaper and hospital gown
With a sheet pulled over his legs and hips
I can’t believe this is real
A year with a feeding tube and it’s still real
He was Marlon Brando
And Johnny Cash
He was John Wayne
He was crashing cars
And leaving children and wives
He was traveling the world in submarines
He was getting into bar fights
He was having affairs and breaking hearts
And breaking his own
He was getting bailed out of jail
He was falling in love
He was on drugs
He was an alcoholic
He was a born again Christian
With a beautiful wife
And shiny family
And yet here we are
His esophagus burned to ****
From 10 years of hidden alcoholism
Whisky on an empty stomach
He’s like that ad for no smoking
With the woman with a hole in her throat
Except no one says
This is what alcoholism will do
Because what is the point
He’s not an ad
He’s a man with a body who’s turned against him
And a family who refuses to leave him alone
Who suffers when he suffers
The room smells awful
We chatted for a while about work and this and that
He still refuses all forms of entertainment
He says he doesn’t know why
I asked him if he’s punishing himself
He told me decidedly no
Okay I say
He’s resting again
I’ll turn off the lights and go soon
And cry in the car
But hopefully not so hard that I bust all the blood vessels under my eyes like I did last week
Looking like a vampire mid transformation
He’s resting again
And the room is quiet
And as always I’m forever changed
From each day spent with the weight of his weakness
And I’m a little lighter
I decide
The staff is good
They are doing all they are supposed to
He doesn’t seem to suffer any more than is required by his condition
I look at him again
And still can’t believe this is real
But he is resting
He tells me to knockem dead
I’m going to an open mic tonight
I kiss his head and touch his shoulder bone
He is familiar and not
I hear a mumbling as I leave
He wants me to turn on the nightlight
I do
I tell him I love you
And he says mhm love you
And it’s all very horrible
And I guess it’s also fine
All day when my mind is not occupied by my work or by a tv show I force myself to watch
I worry for him
Here alone
I don’t know his schedule for physical therapy
Though I suppose I could get that information and that might give me some peace of mind
To look at the clock and know he is with someone
Getting his body stronger
Anyway, I feel that for the first time in two weeks since he got so weak he had to go to the ER, then he was admitted to the hospital and then put here
I feel a bit of ease
No one else is here with me
And I feel no need to entertain him
As he is resting here in the bed
His rail thin body covered in a sheet and a hospital gown
Eyes closed
The room smells vaguely of **** and cleaning supplies
More than likely due to the soiled towel in a plastic bag on the floor and the strong soap I just used to wash my hands
I hear him breathing quietly
He seems to be at rest
Oh never mind
The nurse comes in to feed him
The bright lights hurt his eyes
She checks his blood sugar and ****** his finger
He needs to eat
Oh never mind she will be back in ten minutes
He lets me know that it’s never 10 minutes
The lights are on and he’s making some conversation
And I want to cry so badly
I’m so mad my brother isn’t here
Enduring this alone
He doesn’t know what this is
I can’t believe I do
My dad makes a whimpering noise
My eyes are rimmed with tears I won’t let grow or fall
My friends are not good at supporting me and I suppose I’m not good at asking
They have their lives
And my dying father is not enough for them to drop anything to come spend some time with me on my couch
No one who I know my age knows how to deal with this
Most of my peers’ fathers will get sick in ten or twenty more years
The nurse comes back
He sits up with far more ease and less pain than I’ve seen him do in months
I’ve never sat in the room while he gets fed like this
I’ve fed him from the tube at home but that was different he was surrounded by my childhood home
In his own clothes
Here it all seems so vulnerable
In an adult diaper and hospital gown
With a sheet pulled over his legs and hips
I can’t believe this is real
A year with a feeding tube and it’s still real
He was Marlon Brando
And Johnny Cash
He was John Wayne
He was crashing cars
And leaving children and wives
He was traveling the world in submarines
He was getting into bar fights
He was having affairs and breaking hearts
And breaking his own
He was getting bailed out of jail
He was falling in love
He was on drugs
He was an alcoholic
He was a born again Christian
With a beautiful wife
And shiny family
And yet here we are
His esophagus burned to ****
From 10 years of hidden alcoholism
Whisky on an empty stomach
He’s like that ad for no smoking
With the woman with a hole in her throat
Except no one says
This is what alcoholism will do
Because what is the point
He’s not an ad
He’s a man with a body who’s turned against him
And a family who refuses to leave him alone
Who suffers when he suffers
The room smells awful
We chatted for a while about work and this and that
He still refuses all forms of entertainment
He says he doesn’t know why
I asked him if he’s punishing himself
He told me decidedly no
Okay I say
He’s resting again
I’ll turn off the lights and go soon
And cry in the car
But hopefully not so hard that I bust all the blood vessels under my eyes like I did last week
Looking like a vampire mid transformation
He’s resting again
And the room is quiet
And as always I’m forever changed
From each day spent with the weight of his weakness
And I’m a little lighter
I decide
The staff is good
They are doing all they are supposed to
He doesn’t seem to suffer any more than is required by his condition
I look at him again
And still can’t believe this is real
But he is resting
He tells me to knockem dead
I’m going to an open mic tonight
I kiss his head and touch his shoulder bone
He is familiar and not
I hear a mumbling as I leave
He wants me to turn on the nightlight
I do
I tell him I love you
And he says mhm love you
And it’s all very horrible
And I guess it’s also fine
