fragment of my life have shaped my persona
moments like sitting in the rain with my sister till my destructive parents
stopped verbally abusing each other
or when my temper got so bad i actually hit my sister, my blood, my savior
never again will i lay hands on a person whose heart i occupy
moments like when my childhood turned to reality
and my heart was mutilated by the devil on my shoulder
or when post traumatic stress disorder nearly killed my young liver
with a liter of vodka
times i spent, years i wasted
on people who never wanted to understand me
to see me, and to care the way i had
moments like when my mom said she wanted to kill herself
and her kissing my forehead as she left the next morning
or seeing my dad throw himself away
drown in a bottle of liquor for too long
the weeks i spent letting self sustained emotions make my face hot
and soak my pillow with tears
nights where the thunder shook my nerves and nightmares prevented my sleep
or nights when the night was too dark that
only the shine of blood my skin was concealing
made my heart calm and my skin numb and my mind blank
the blade was my savior, my sanity
i look back on these moment
knowing ill never forget them.
having spent years fucking up so horribly
and hurting not only myself but people i care about
and gathering my feelings
and learning painful lessons
to be able to say i finally know what i want with my time
and i know how i want to spend my days
and i'm starting to figure out how i work, who i am
and how to curtail my destructive feelings
and moderate my impulsive actions.