i open my eyes.. suddenly
without any warning or sign
not that i can re-call
it just.. happened

and i gained my consciousness back
and it hit me
i am alone
empty
restricted

..wait

well why is this feeling so familiar
oh.. its not the first time
i have lost count
it is happening with me
again

since i first opened my eyes
the day i was born

i open my eyes.. suddenly
without any warning or sign
not that i remember

i am feeing alone
a house is built around me
i would call it my boundary wall
i have a family around me
but i will call 'em eye keepers

i don't have any friends
not that i am not social
or un loveable
but there are no people like me.. around me
the ones who feel
and understand deeply
and love
and nurture

not the ones who fight
and mock
and insult
and put masks

i need genuine friends
with whom my soul connects

in all relations i have been
i always felt like the mother
i have to tell them
and correct them

not that they object
but it's i am tired now

i don't have a lover in life
no lover as a friend or a partner
no true lover as a family
i am alone

the only lover i have is god
or what i belief
to comfort my being
cause sometimes
i don't feel it too

weather the problem is me
or it is my beliefs
but its good
somewhere somehow

around me is silence
and i have my Chromebook beside me
but i have no one to text
to one to say hi to

i like solitude
but it is not same as loneliness

i wish i could go out
and feel free breeze
and so i could feel joy
i could explore new good place
if not good humans

so i could feel good
and forget about everything else
and be present in now
if my now is new

but my now
its old now
its filled with past
and only hope
of good future

its killing me
but i would like to think
its reshaping me
into what?
i don't know


i am 16
with strict parent
they are not strict
but they are
i feel so suffocated
i don't have a license
or a card that carries my money

nothing i carry is mine
its a burden
even if little
all i wear
its all from someone
who made me feel a prisoner

i am not allowed to go out
jut for a walk
and neither they take me

they are so called busy
with blinking and breathing

i yearn for a lover
but i never had one
because all the girls or guys i see
they are living like every other kid
whereas
i feel deeply and understand deeply
i choose the righteous
and have more to talk about then alders
everyone gets inspire or jealous
so no one is on same page
on same level

its crazy isn't it
they think
all i had is a bliss
but its feels like a curse to me

not that i regret it
but i also don't like it
i am ahead
it might look fancy at first
but its not

i have crazy thoughts and dreams
they are crazy for me too
in a positive manner
and i do believe in them

but not a single person around
have something crazy
to think or talk about
not the type of crazy i would fancy

how can i be friends with people
who are not like me
neither do they understand me
and all we had in common
is that we eat drink and breath
that we sleep and have problems to carry
that we both run after something
even if we are still
even if we aren't moving
but there still is something
we run after
some might know
what it is
some might not

i came here
because i got no one
to hear to hold
so i write
and i hold my feelings
in paper
with my ink and pen
if no one else did.