For some it takes drugs I was once told by an angel who visited my sky,
For some I learned from experience they need an iron clad alibi
so no one knows that they were out climbing higher just to get high
As for me I keep on chasing these smoke clouds and spirits yet I don't know why


from the sky I am falling free in a tailspin
Here we go once again
not your foe but I am a fiend my friend
hiding out in a world full of ignorance and pretend
what comes next well that does depend
on what demons we wrestle with what evil we contend
I'm walking around feeling rather condemned
Into What hell do I feel as if I am beginning to descend
To keep falling further down without any consent
Watch other around you beware of their intent
It's always ****** up **** at least to some extent



Holding onto anything that keeps  me feeling whole instead of incomplete
haunted by these memories like they are ghosts its bittersweet
Yet here I am trying my best to render myself obsolete
in this shadow inside a cloud I tend to
retreat
cannot bring myself to admit defeat
I cannot erase all the mistakes that I cannot seem to delete
So for all the secrets I am forced to keep I give them to the Lord so perhaps I can finally sleep
Off this mortal coil I sometimes feel I should leep
falling to my rock bottom in a twisted broken heap
Actions speaking louder than words  prove talk is cheap

the price we pay for the way we live though is rather steep
Through my old neighborhood I slowly creep
doing my dead level best not to break down and weep
For the still waters that run through me run so very deep


It all weighs heavy on my mind and even heavier on my heart
I feel like I am about to embark
On a trip and just as I am about to depart
I light the night on fire I light me up to see where I spark
hiding away in the darkest of dark
More than likely underneath the midnight sky in some god forsaken trailer park


I have a unique point of view due to all the ******* I have been through
You cannot be me and I don't want to be you
I promise I am anything except brand new
I know what it is that I need to do
its just a matter of following through
i feel as if I can trust only very few
most people don't even have a clue
these ghosts now are then ones that seem to pursue
as off this yellow brick road I wander off into the clear blue
leaving all the crap in y rearview



What else can I say in a way that's not quite so cliche
How in other words do I convey that hell no I am
not okay
its harder and harder every **** day
to hold  these demons of mine at bay
when they are just longing to play
How far have my feet gone astray
why is my sky always so dark and grey

cigarettes burning  on the window sill while joints lay unlit in then ashtray
youtube song list blaring away stuck on replay


so here I am trying not to flicker like a flame burning out trying not to fade away  
For me its seize the night looking for a better
way.
perhaps one that doesn't have so much hell to pay


My story has not been written in cement
nor in my flesh from a sharp edged impliment
profane and explicit are my works full content
So I'm holding myself in contempt
at least in any event I have no intent to put up a false pretense myself being someone I misrepresent
I have nothing but time that can very well be spent
trying to find new ways to repent
Now don't go getting **** all completely
bent
take a deep breathe and just vent
I've meant what  I  have said saying just what I meant
so to the heavens prayers I have sent
to ease some of my **** torment


not sure if that's how it's really goes or if it's just the way it has always went


when night draws back it's curtain and pins it with a star
know that I love you if I ever loved you no matter where you are
rather you are so very near or quite far
in the tinted moonlight I bathe every scar
getting wasted sitting here at this bar
I guess we are just who and what we really are


So off into the horizon I stare as if I am doing nothing wrong
up all night long
just hitting the **** ****
trying to move on
trying to remain strong
its hard when at this impasse you've stood way too long
forcing yourself to fit in all then places you know you don't belong


long story short these are probably the ramblings of some old fool who has lost their way in the chaos that was stemmed.
unable to see in a light so dimmed
Yes Father I am sinner who has most cerianly    sinned
My book isn't written in ink but in my blood it has been well penned
Broken hearts and promises that I cannot seem to mend
searching for a means to an end
WIll I eventually break after so far I bend

an addict's mindset is where I've been so stuck
screaming out in the night that I just don't give a flying **** while I try not to choke on the pieces of my broken luck
So I went joyriding in a stolen truck
reeking havoc and running amuck
out in this thunderstorm like a sitting duck
trying my damnedest not to get lightening struck


because when falling free from the sky hitting the ground in a manner so abrupt
could cause anyone to erupt especially if like me they are already cold and quite corrupt
So before My final self destruct
try not to burn so bright you spontaneously combust
burning it all down like it was Ashes to dust


Charcoled and burnt to a complete cinder
my mind is twisted you probably shouldn't enter
The voices in my head were fun for me to dismember
Sometimes I really hate my ******* temper
I try not to stand in the way I don't wish to hinder
I am looking for hope maybe just a glimmer
hopefully it shines like stars at night all a shimmer
blinded by the white of the snow falling to then ground in the dead of winter


So I close my eyes and I am bombarded by the memories that just were not meant to last
you know the ones that disappear so ******* fast
Pain and suffering tormenting me still though the trauma has passed
tt all leaves me feeling like I need to go out and get smashed
leaving everything behind everything trashed


smoke another joint twist another bowl
keep on burning that hole
out of control
right into my very soul

I've gone to a pretty place now where the flowers used to grow
now its a desolate wasteland where even angels fear to go


shivering from the cold winds that  continue
to blow
I jump down another rabbit hole
Instead of attempting to blindly stroll  in the sinister darkness that the time it takes fade has always been slow.


to  error is human but to forgive they say
is divine
I know that I **** **** up all the time
always searching for my buried  treasure I believe that I will never find
bound by blood to these very ties that bind
Maybe I am just a little bit out of my mind
I'm a character once assassinated so I'm that much harder to define
trying to keep it all kind
I'm understand time is just a thing to remind
that our pasts we cannot leave all that far behind
Then years simply are unwilling to rewind
I feel I have burned I will perish and I have pinned
form the fatel feelings on which I now dine
Yeah sure I am doing just fine
sliding down this steep incline
gasping for any kind of vine
trying to keep myself in line
like that glimmer of hope I long to sparkle and shine