I first pondered my own existence when I was just a girl
growing up in the mid to late 1990s of New York City
We lived in a small alley apartment
where the walls knew all my mothers secrets
my father exposed the brick wall underneath the plaster, a cool look before its time
ahead of his time he always was, but he couldn't reveal it all
his tongue was tied
and those linoleum floors held echoes of his singing voice
the one he buried when life pulled him too far from himself
imposed upon to hide

This was when women began having a voice
when the Spice Girls screamed power to the world
I'd walk to the street corner deli and get Spice Girls gum and lollipops
I looked like a little version of Posh everybody would say
A neighbor Cindy loved Hanson more than anybody in America
those boys sung of some kind of lively electric hope
this was when Titanic broke my heart
before I even knew what love was

Clintons name was said often
Monica was a shadow they threw stones at
and we were told who to blame
before I even knew what shame meant
Blue nail polish on my sisters nails
my uncle dying of stage 4 cancer
he wanted to spend his last days blasting his favorite music
this was when when I began to sing
and soon
a Patty Loveless twang was born into my throat
and the Rolling Stones blended into my blood
"To have you Back Again," playing in the car on the way to the hospital
The Tattoo you album I used to trace my fingers along
and study
now I do the same thing to my own heart and soul

NYC summers were spent intensely looking at flowers grow out of concrete
those pictures mom took of me outside on those plastic chairs
the Twin Towers were still touching the sky
the smell of roasting caramel vanilla cashew nuts
my Muslim friends
when innocence knew no end

Dinner at five
Walks to the bakery where Grandmas friend Franka
wrapped semolina in a napkin like treasure
We’d give our leftovers to Russel
the WWII vet with war still in his eyes,
and Krissie, his precious dog who knew
how to save a man without words

I played with Barbies
because my sister left me
not slammed door left
but drifted
somewhere sadness took her first

And Mom was there
but more shadow than mother
Checked out.
Anorexic.
Shrinking before my eyes
more ghost than woman
I recall being afraid of her

I was safest with Dad
and I wandered into his tool room
he lined up his screwdrivers like dolls
and I held the heavy metal in my small hands
solid like his love
if only he could tighten the world back into place

My cousin like the flame of a candle gone too fast
taken by something too cruel for a child to understand
The grown ups spoke in coded grief
their eyes red
their silences louder than screams
and I felt it
Grief had an empty seat at our dinner table

now I'd give all my dreams
and give up my home if I ever had one
and all I ever did know
to have those days back again
its not behind me
its the love that reminds me
I have not changed Patty

id stand in the rain and drown in the river of time
to have those days back again
oh 90's let me back into your arms