I'm not really a child anymore
Though, in ways, I feel like I am?
Because I was forced to grow up
Well beyond my years
Look after Mum
Look after my brother
Look after myself
Look after the house
Feed the pets
Try hard in school, but fail
And eventually stop giving a **** all together
It just never seems to end
Mum and Rick are on and off again
There's still excessive drugs, music and alcohol in the house
On the dining room table
Of all places
The ashtray over flowing with cigarette butts
The walls covered in nicotine
It's thicker now
This seems normal  
I guess I'm finally used to it
Or maybe I'm institutionalised
A friend is at my house
Rick keeps saying that she's cute
Keeps trying to give her valiums and ****
This makes my blood boil
You're dating and living with my Mum
What the actual ******* ****
You're so much older than her
What the **** is wrong with you?!
Another pig to add to the list of men
Or maybe it's the other way around (?)
When will the list ever end
Rhetorical question
I'm roughly sixteen now
I have issues with my memory
Perhaps it's a coping mechanism
To block certain things out
I'm chatting to a guy from High School
MSN Messenger
He's older than me
4 and a half years
But age is just a number in my head
We talk
We flirt
We meet up
We ****
I'm the first from the group to lose their virginity
The girls were shocked but somehow I'm not
It was painful and beautiful simultaneously
To this day it's one of my favourite times
Despite the pain
We were listening to Linkin Park
With multi-media visualisations on
At the time it was hot
I was too scared to go on top
One of our favourite bands
We bonded over music
I strongly believe
The same taste in music is like a soul connection
He was sweet
Asked me for consent repeatedly
Made sure I was sure
Which made me like him even more  
He's still older than me
So it's technically statutory ****
I technically can't give consent
But I don't care
And I'll never report him
I'm in love
Still living at home
Still hate it
Still wish I was never born
But I guess he makes life a little more bearable
Dangerous maybe
Exciting
Risky
Rebellious
I'm hooked
Hook, line and sinker
Mum doesn't like him
Because he's older
Dad feels the same
From miles and miles away
But I don't care
Home still makes me sad
But it's a numb kind of sad now
Like it's normal to feel this way
I just accept it
It is what it is
Can't change it
Just **** it up and deal with it
Is my mentality
So I spend a lot of time with him
I'm drinking heavily now
Smoking ****
Ditched school and became a waitress
Which the councillors didn't like at all
But **** them
I don't care
Never got into smoking though
Which is kind of a surprise..
**** is definitely the gateway drug
Now I'm under-age clubbing
Staying in hotels
Room service
What a rush
Party drugs
I love everyone!
I love myself!
I've never felt like this!
This is the happiest I've been in my entire life
Which is kind of sad  
Wish I could feel like this all of the time
My eyes the size of golf *****
Chewing gum
Eyes rolling in the back of my head
Dancing like nobody is watching
Day N Night by Kid Cudi playing
And strobe lights
It's all so ******* beautiful
I feel alive for once in my miserable ******* life!
For all the wrong reasons
Drugs just numb everything
I'm addicted to the numbing
Next morning
I feel like my brain and body has been completely drained of serotonin
Miserable again, at best
Dancing, ecstasy and love
That's all I want
Such sweet euphoria
I want more
Decide to double drop
Bad idea..
Almost die in a fast food bathroom
I'm scared to do that again
For a while
I just wanna be happy
Numb myself
I found myself chasing the next high
Some drugs will take your ******* soul
If you let it
Never touching that again
The morning after I wanted to jump off of the balcony
Couldn't stop crying
Looking over the edge
A negative voice in my head with my voice
Yelling at me
While I'm looking over the edge
"Just ******* do it"
The voice is angry and sad
I realise it's my ******* voice
I never touched it again
Once was enough
I realise I'm on the wrong path
The ultimate rebellion
I've become an absolute hellion
I figure I deserve a bit of fun
And what's done is done 
I'm completely numb
Wrong is right
And right is wrong
Maybe this is where I belong
No going back
To be continued ..