From a young age,
When I was small,
I believed that I
Wasn't good enough.

I pick up the dart
I feel it in my hand,
I feel the first whisperings
As I go to release.

Nothing I did
Was good enough.
I tried so hard proving otherwise,
Only for it to end in failure.
Every **** time.

The twang of the dart
As it hits the wall, not the board
Feels like physical pain in my body.
The whisperings grow louder.

It's no wonder I failed
When I never really believed
That the result would be anything else.

My body starts to freeze
Not with cold
But with the understanding
That nothing ever changes
And nothing ever will.

This frozen form
It helped me survive,
And it kept me safe.
Time stands still, thoughts freeze
Before they can turn into breathless panic.
My overly tuned protector is trying to save me
From threats that are no longer real.

I breathe in.
I breathe out.
I move first my toes,
And then my hands.
I am safe here.
I bring my arm up, ready to throw,
And I release my next dart.