She used to play Angel on repeat
it was 1997 or 1998, I remember the tape.
the room was cold, just like in the song.
her body curled up in that greenish purple bed spread as she hysterically cried
if there was one word to describe the ambiance
Haunted
Sarah McLachlan’s voice
tried to lift her
but the weight never moved

She kicked everyone out of our small new york city apartment that day after a meltdown
but she told me I could stay
she was gentle with me and told me I could stay
but, she was only inviting me to a party of two
a tragic party of two
little girls should be laughing and playing
not witnessing a mother's total breakdown

She was broken even before my lifetime began
her oldest sisters brother was a bad man
His name was John and he walked free
Dad tried to carry the truth and he even fell to his knees
Dad was cut by every single thorned rose in the garden he married into
and he only had two bleeding hands
and way too ******* much to hold

I must have been 5 or 6 and I stood there in the corner
watching her weep
It scared me, she was my monster but she wasn't under the bed
she was hiding in it.
As I grew older, I'd know Angel by Sarah Mac by heart
it lived in me
I sang it well. but not because I wanted to
but because its blueprint, bones and dna had
used my heart like a storage unit
the song became antique to me
the song is my mother
and her unwillingness to free herself

She made the pain sacred to me
but not the truth.
She wrapped it in ointment and gauze.  
she forced me to watch her lock it away in a safe. she even gave me the key. looked back and watched me watch her put it away.
Every time I reached for the wound
she turned me into the problem.

She told me silence was safer.
she told me rage caused by ****** abuse
was betrayal
But I saw John in the silence
I saw him every time she looked away. when he eventually came for me.
I see him still.
abuse doesn't leave

When I started dancing to the firelight
that resides in my own soul
she tried to extinguish me with troubled waters
but my soul couldn't be sold so shed try to seep the truth from my veins
She became like the abusive boyfriend in the song "voices carry." by til tuesday
except she was my mother.
"Shush little baby don't you speak...shush little baby

Sorry Eileen
but you gave birth to a warrior princess
Winning is what I do best
and I will fight every dagger
with 11 of my own
and you know it
I'll come out stronger
than you
I'll fight the lie
with the true

I am not here to protect an abusers image
Angel still plays
somewhere in my mind
But now it sings for me

Your.....magic ability to harbor, to hide, to deflect
knows no endlessness
feels no endlessness

mom you should have held me in her arms
and had us fly away from John
I still love you always will
but mom you know no referee
and I do
and I'll never stop fighting

Unlike Kristen, I wont let the dark devour me
Unlike Eileen, I wont let sorrow seal my soul

Like Jenna, I will call it out