It's another Saturday and I haven't stopped waking up anxious

I had enough time to think about things before you texted
Don't tell the others...I don't want to get yelled at.
But I knew you would understand.

I kind of blew you off because I needed to go perform.
I don't know how to stop performing.
I don't think I've ever stopped.

The last time I saw you was when I realized I don't have the urge to move back anymore.
The four of us huddled around a high-top
We were sharing oysters and our friends joked about us dating.
College me would have blushed at that.
I love you - but not like that.

I used to relish the potential the city held.
Now it feels like visiting a past life
I don't have that yearning anymore
Everyone I love there still can't keep me.

Two years ago
Sharing a dinner with him at Barcelona and seeing ghosts of everyone I'd dated since reflected in him.
Was that really what I'd sought out?

I keep saying I'll visit
And every trip one more person will try
to convince me to move back
And I'll withhold the urge to remind everyone
it will never be the same.

There's nothing left for me in the swamp.

I listened to Melodrama on the way home,
mourning how I'll never be
17 again.