The enormity of pain of having to leave behind everything that I have ever known its been time, but the grief aches in my bones. I miss my old life desperately even though it was filled with swords of pain and abuse I miss my" family" my "friends." my naievity about this hateful ideology it was easier to live in some ways. But also much more hellish now I am a lot more at peace and so much healthier and so very very lonely. i have no real friends and no one in my life the lonlieness i feel it, eating me alive as well as my depression. They are my closest friends. And here i am at 28 and all i do is grieve grieve for everything! and i couldn't even put pen to paper for months, i feel like a sore thumb in a society that is morally depraved psychopathic and psychotic. In a world that is uncaring for people like me That lacks a Basic Understanding of the chronically ill chronically mentally in pain. Yet still here i am trying finally receiving help that i have needed, prayed for and searched for for years. So why do i feel worse ? probably for finally feeling the enormity of everything. That is hitting me all at once. The enormity of pain Of leaving religion ideologies Families, an old country that i still long for But i know that i can't go back to. Of community Of old age traditions. But here i am lovingly and hatingly picking myself up, painting writing reading learning healing learning to piece together my own religious meaning, my own way of performing it.