I feel trapped in this place
So, so trapped.
It's like a prison I fear I will never escape
But I will
and when I do, I'm not coming back

I have grown so accustomed to hiding
knowing that I won't be accepted
pretending to be someone I'm not
that I don't know who I am
I pretend to be fine because if I say I'm not they invalidate me
But they still always ask if I'm fine
I want to scream "no, I'm not, and it's all your fault"
But I never scream, only on paper
paper doesn't judge

I am funny and kind
always encouraging everyone
because I'm so desperate for someone to do the same for me
but they never do
I itch to show people my poems, my writing, my music
but when I did, back when I was naive
nobody
cared
so now I sit in silence and wonder if it's good enough
wonder if anyone will ever care

I know all this is for a purpose
know it will be better in the end
but it hurts so much
Metamorphosis
and sometimes,
I just want to be a caterpillar again

I love being plural
I couldn't do this without them
but sometimes I long to be whole
because at least then I'd know myself

I feel the need to hide everything
I trust no one
Every slight movement or sound I flinch
ready to hide
to lie

I've become manipulative
I've stopped feeling remorse
I lie whenever I feel like it
for my own gain and safety
I am ruthless
disguised by kindness
always doing everything for other people
but knowing I'll do whatever needs to be done to survive

I'm burning out
I'm tired of people
there's only one person in this whole world I actually
want
to talk to
but she'll never see me as more than a friend
I hate being social
I'm irritable
I hide in my room
and daydream about the apocalypse
because to me
it means freedom

I hide in my fantasies
and refuse to come out
escapism is my addiction
I do nothing else
I rot in bed all day
chronically online
because what else is there to do
I've lost all motivation
to do anything with my life
all I do is daydream and scroll
It used to bother me
but now I don't care about much of anything

I'm falling apart
Each year I look back on what was my biggest problem and laugh
because in hindsight it was nothing compared to now
I'm in danger
I'm a danger
but I can't tell anyone
I've learned my lesson
constant betrayal
by the only people I ever trusted
hurts more than I expected

fantasies are no longer enough
I'm going crazy
actually
literally
crazy
and I'm afraid
so afraid
I'll do something terrible

All I want is to go home
ALL I WANT IS TO GO HOME
but I can't
and it feels like a phantom limb
it's been a year
IT'S BEEN A YEAR
how am I going to do this?

I still hold on to hope
that we'll be ok
that everything will turn out for the best
that God is watching out for me
but right now
in the wretched present
everything is going to ****
how much longer can I hold on?

What am I doing?