My dad is an alcoholic.
I say is  even though he has not touched alcohol for a long time, because when you are an alcoholic, you are an alcoholic for life. There is always something in the corner of your mind itching for a drink. I know this, because I can feel that this is the truth for my father. But we never talk about it.

My dad is an alcoholic.
When I was young I used to be woken up from the sounds of music playing loudly downstairs because my dad liked to 'celebrate every evening'. I had to beg my dad to go to bed, if my mom was not there, and I had to pull off his shoes and wrap the blanket around him when he was finally in it. When I was young, my dad drove me everywhere whilst intoxicated. When I was young, my father had an accident because he was drunk driving. I saw my mother's social life slowly deteriorate because of his drinking problem. He used to hit me quite a lot when I did something wrong.
Now that I'm older, that is all over. My brother does not know any better than the way it is now.

But my dad is still an alcoholic.
Since he has stopped drinking, he has lost all sorts of appetite.  He even stopped wanting to celebrate things. He has stopped wanting to celebrate his birthday, new year, easter, even christmas. He hates christmas. I have to fight him to celebrate my birthday.

My dad has stopped being happy since he has stopped drinking.
Or maybe he stopped being happy long before that. I dont know. I just know there is an intrinsic connection between all of the things above but I dont see it because I am not him. And it hurts not to be him but to be on the sidelines and not be able to help. Because he does not let people on the sidelines in. He does not explain and he does not show, he merely is.

My dad is an alcoholic.
And I am here to tell you that that can still hurt long after the drinking has stopped.