i remember when He walked beside me
not in thunder
but in the hush between my thoughts
a warmth beneath the ribs
a whisper in the stillness
i did not fear the silence then
but now
the silence is all i hear
not holy
not healing
only hollow
He is not far
i know this
He has not moved
i have
each today came with a voice
gentle
steady
calling me from the edge
and each time
i turned the volume up on my own will
until even His whisper
felt like wind through a broken window
this is not distance
this is disobedience
a thousand closed doors
with my name on the latch
a thousand chances
i have left to rot like manna hoarded overnight
He said if today you hear His voice
and i always had today
always
and still
i blocked my ears with pride
and clothed my heart in noise
now i sit in the wreckage of all my todays
and long for His nearness
but my hands
my hands built the walls
and i do not ask why He feels far
only
will He still speak
if i finally listen
He built me a home
with walls of mercy
and windows clear enough to catch the morning light
He placed peace in the corners
and truth beneath the floorboards
every stone set with patience
every beam carved from love
and i
i tracked in the mud of my own making
lit fires where rest was meant to be
hung idols where His name should dwell
spoke lies into the quiet rooms
until they echoed back as if they belonged
the home still stands
but it groans with sorrow
foundation split not by time
but by choice
my choice
He does not flee
but He does not feast where filth is served
and i have been a poor host
setting the table with bitterness
pouring cups full of self
i feel Him in the distance
not because He has gone
but because i have built walls
within walls
within walls
until even His knock feels faint
this disunity
is not a moment
but a rhythm ive kept
a hymn of rebellion
sung in the house He gave me
yet still
somewhere deep
beneath the ash
a corner of that home remembers Him
and trembles
and hopes
and waits