it was so easy to
sit next to him and
grab a donut. too
easy to say hello and
to pat him on the shoulder.
and yet, i wanted to stay there,
because he makes me feel so
comfortable.

then i left and walked towards your
door. i put a smile on my face and waited patiently
and then bam you came through the front doors and
hit me so hard with that smile of yours. i didn't realize how
much ive missed you. ive missed the way you talk and walk
and smile and just everything you are.... I missed you.

but, when you stopped to talk to some other guy i then
decided that i wasn't worth talking to because all i do is
flirt with you and that isn't okay, you're engaged and you don't
want me, no matter how much it seems like you do...

it wasn't you that made me feel non-worthy, it was that single factor
in the equation of us that kept me slowly backing away from your door,
into the hallway, and then out the door to my next class.

i wanted to talk about how i have a math test next period,
how i am taking two college courses and that one of them is
starting tomorrow! how even though my panic attacks are getting
worse, i havent cut in awhile. how my dad bailed on me once again,
and yet im kind of... okay. how i miss you and what i see in you isn't
just kid love. its real love....

it was so easy to talk to you too, but realizing how much i
needed you in my life compeltely ruined my confidence
and once again, i am back to ignoring you..

oh how i wish i could turn it off.