There's a movie playing in the background
While I scroll through the perfect words
Someone else has figured out
And woven together on a string
A necklace I wish I wore
An anchor to hold me in place
A weight that I've been carrying
But couldn't see
Until they showed me it was there

The scenes in the movie echo my imaginings
For a love I don't own
For a life I only have
In those moments just before I wake
In the seconds when my eyes
Are closed tight

Hot tears break through
No longer floating on a daydream
I crash back to a reality of jagged truths
That only draws more grief
From a place I told my heart
To hide from me

But I chose the movie
And I chose the words
To distract me and tether me
To anything but the thought of you
And what I want
And what I don't have
And what I can't have

Still here I am
Drowning in my loneliness
In a fantasy I should let go of
Before it drags me beneath the violent sea

I'm searching for a way to love you
That honors how I should love myself
Confronted with the distressing thought
That I would lift you above the waves
While I let myself sink deeper

Some part of me screams
That's how it should be
So the salt dries on my cheeks
And the movie keeps playing
And I keep scrolling
Pushing myself away
Forgetting to take a breath