life and health thrown away to make it to that point
I stood surrounded by the chaos, my life fallen apart
didn’t know how much, what was normal to achieve
I only knew the many reasons tulips broke my heart

the day I got a big bouquet of bright white shiny tulips
someone saw how hard I’d worked, all the ways I’d tried
the first and only time congratulating life achievement
on the middle of the table, proud, I placed them and I cried

the bouquet was so beautiful, fit in to someone else’s life
standing up again from falling, bruised but still prevailed
felt ugly, tired, disappointed, hurt and ill and shame
still not enough, still trying, still feeling like I failed

years later tulip girl would find such disappointment
the permanence of sacrifices she made to survive then
I live the life of living up to expectations of those flowers
trying to convince myself that I am someone
                               who deserved them