Don't worry, you're safe with us.
You can trust your government officials.
Hmm? What's that?
School shootings?
Ah, yes. Those are tragic.
But they aren't our concern at the moment, no.
Our top priority for now is to ban a few social media apps
and rename the Gulf of Mexico.
Maybe even invade Greenland while we're at it.
Oh, but don't fret.
This is all for the greater good.
We promise, we care about our American citizens.