My new doctor asks me, I see you have a history of depression, are you currently depressed or on medications?
I don’t struggle with depression
And as the lie escapes my mouth, I’m confused on why I would say that
I say I was sad for a year when I lost my job
But this is also a lie
I don’t know why I don’t tell her about the sadness that has been looming since 14
Or how hard it is to stand up sometimes, that it feels like my bones are stones made of the earth dragging me back where they belong
I don’t tell her that it’s harder for me than it is everyone else to stay consistent and on top of things
And maybe the answer is because for the last few months-
I have been good
Why speak anything else into existence
It felt like as long as ignored the fact that I couldn’t help slipping under every few months
That things would be okay
That I was a woman living her life without depression
But I know this isn’t true
An ache twinges inside me