mom touched me
and smelled me
and told me
i was fat

she's so weird
pervasive
i keep my face
flat

i cried and cried
my face wet with tears
they leaked into my pillow
and dripped into my ears

"Oh why oh why
does she treat me this way?"
"Oh what oh what
could be wrong with me?"

whats wrong with my body
why is my tummy so large
before i started bleeding
my ******* started to barge

she looked at me delicously
and groped my thighs
she said i was ****
and attracted all the guys

i was joyful and full of misery
i was always so depressed
and i looked up to the ceiling
god knows what i confessed

i prayed and prayed for love
the epitomy of life
and he gave me the greatest gift
of a double edged knife

my brother used to bully me
and slide notes under my door
said i was a fat hippo
and dressed like a *****

i was so numb and empty
i couldn't even draw
and art turned to loose strings
lines were all that i saw

i didn't have an outlet
she read my diary out loud
i've been shattered so many times
there's nothing left now

anything lower than an A
she snobbered and mocked
i only got an F once
and she acted so shocked

i don't care much about my dad
we just can't connect
he cares too much about heaven
and thinks i'm perfect

i lie to him and say i prayed
when i haven't for years
because god abandoned me
to rot in my fears

i prayed and prayed for love
the epitomy of life
and he gave me the greatest gift
of a double edged knife

i wrote poems about her
all the pain she caused in my life
and while looking along
someone caught my eye

an older boy
with poetry so neat
his soul was dark
but his heart was sweet

with naivety i called him my 'friend'
i was so in love,
i never wanted it to end
in my fantasies he was my bride to be
he made butterflies inside of me

he made me wet and made me hot
he was everything that i was not
he was my hero, he wore a cape
and from my sad life, i would escape

one day when hormones started to rage,
he became an actor on a stage
and told me that he felt it too
i felt elated at "i love you"

but then he started to get bored
didn't want to ******* no more
so then he cut me out his life
not just once but a hundred times

he used me once, he used me twice
he thought the pictures were so nice
"we weren't real, you're behind a screen"
"but did you forget that i was fourteen?"

the pain aches, and i started to decay
of course i prayed the pain away
i felt ashame and i felt betrayed
by the lord from whom i was made

it felt wrong, i felt disturbed
that how could god ever have the nerve
to punish me for my 'sins'
and tell me this is what i deserve?

a bad childhood and a broken heart
the grief weighed on me, concrete, hard
nothing would be better than death
i laid still and held my breath

i couldn't move, and i couldn't eat
i couldn't shower and couldn't sleep
and the school work piled up so high
that my grades fell down from the sky

they hit the ground so hard and low
that's all my mother loved me for
was that i was smart, a golden child
that made her look like a good parent

it was apparent
she gave a **** about nothing else
but my A's and one hundreds
i was always one of the unwanteds

the depression made me move so slow
i kept crawling back to him
i had nowhere else to go
he robbed me blindly, my life was stole

all he wants is my hole
he makes me want to **** myself
he loves himself and no one else
and then calls himself the king of hell

i'd just say you're a prince
but you have yourself pretty convinced
i could never send you to prison
there's just not enough evidence

but of course i bluffed, i felt real tough
my words intended to cut
butter melted off the shelf
i harm you better than you do yourself

clean, decisive strokes
left you in a choke
i told you i'd destroy you *****
that **** was not a joke

and since i'm such a joke,
why am i the one laughing now?
cry your tears and build a boat
and sail and sink inside my gloat

my stupid family
my stupid ex
my stupid life
my stupid ***

i was so afraid with ptsd
the migrains troubled me
the pain throbbed inside my head
i ****** in all the dread

but all the cycles would repeat
men like him kept using me
until i felt nothing inside
i was dissociated, so dissociated

because when you cut me off
i realized i was just a doll
i was only meant to **** you off
and my own soul, i cut it off

and now i float outside myself
i wish that i could go back in
i wish i could be a little kid
and reverse everything you did

after years of being abused
the memories haunt me these days
i cry to myself all alone
my head filled with voices

i regret my choices
i'm tired of being exploited
and i can't be happy
and i feel so lonely