Oct 2013
If you looked at my life from the outside in you would never see that I feel how I feel.
Looking at me I am not different or unique, nothing to show trials I have survived or the things I endured, my suffering isn't extraordinary or could be admired.
I am blessed in so many ways, I don't go hungry at night, I have a bed to sleep in, so many things to fill my home, a job that I enjoy and a family that loves me dearly and so much more ... how then could I feel so much pain so lost so lonely...because of this I feel also unbelievable guilt.
Each day is almost the same from start to finish I am safe from danger and how rarely do I feel motivated, alive or even inspired.
At times I just want to scream out loud or drop to my knees and cry but what good what that do?
What right do I have to feel the way I do, how dare I cast all the many wonderful things aside?
If I scream or cry and try and let you know how I feel it does no good, because it's never fully understood and I make no sense you say anyone would trade my life with me if they could and your words are so very true.
People are suffering, starving and dying they are persecuted, punished and scared all living each day with no one to be kind.
How can I feel so alone when at any given moment I could reach out and touch another person?
I have tried and tried to explain what and why I feel this way but it always causes more damage than good things would be better if you only understood.
All our lives we are told to be strong, it could be so much worse but I'm too the point where my tears come at a simple song as if it's nowhere I belong, if I speak it will only begin to worsen.
Why can't my tears be like the rain... washing the mess of the day away the beginning of another chance and another day... no my tears are the end of me holding it all that I could.
So I think what right do I have to be so sad and I don't have a clue of real pain, it's true I don't have the right to feel this way and is everything just coming of my imagination?
I am thankful though ... sometimes it's good to know I can feel anything at all so I'll go each day strong and standing tall.
Looking at me I am not different or unique, nothing to show trials I have survived or the things I endured, my suffering isn't extraordinary or could be admired.
I am blessed in so many ways, I don't go hungry at night, I have a bed to sleep in, so many things to fill my home, a job that I enjoy and a family that loves me dearly and so much more ... how then could I feel so much pain so lost so lonely...because of this I feel also unbelievable guilt.
Each day is almost the same from start to finish I am safe from danger and how rarely do I feel motivated, alive or even inspired.
At times I just want to scream out loud or drop to my knees and cry but what good what that do?
What right do I have to feel the way I do, how dare I cast all the many wonderful things aside?
If I scream or cry and try and let you know how I feel it does no good, because it's never fully understood and I make no sense you say anyone would trade my life with me if they could and your words are so very true.
People are suffering, starving and dying they are persecuted, punished and scared all living each day with no one to be kind.
How can I feel so alone when at any given moment I could reach out and touch another person?
I have tried and tried to explain what and why I feel this way but it always causes more damage than good things would be better if you only understood.
All our lives we are told to be strong, it could be so much worse but I'm too the point where my tears come at a simple song as if it's nowhere I belong, if I speak it will only begin to worsen.
Why can't my tears be like the rain... washing the mess of the day away the beginning of another chance and another day... no my tears are the end of me holding it all that I could.
So I think what right do I have to be so sad and I don't have a clue of real pain, it's true I don't have the right to feel this way and is everything just coming of my imagination?
I am thankful though ... sometimes it's good to know I can feel anything at all so I'll go each day strong and standing tall.
