It doesn't seem like this **** should even really matter, increasingly disturbing thoughts that lately I have begun to gather. Way down deep inside I shove these feelings and emotions I refuse to let show. If I could just give it to God perhaps I might be able to let some of it go. My body has already been  by this cancer  invaded. Its progression can't be delayed or eradicated. Quite unsure what to even think I spend every moment I am awake trying to get faded. I try to forget that probably sooner than  later I'll start. Fading right to black the dark thoughts that no matter how I wish I can't just take back. Unfortunately this is no fabrication this is straight fact. Maybe years from now they'll dig me up like an artifact. Who the **** know maybe I will make it out scathed integrity still mostly intact. It's not for myself that I even really hold concern For in death I have no more lessons to learn. It's about all the loved ones that I'll be leaving behind. In so many places that are usually most unkind the things that get twisted up and rattle around inside my head leave me more than just a little perplexed. I think the hardest part in not knowing what do expect. I wish I knew someone that could tell me what is coming next. Will my loved one be those that will pine as I burn and perish will the memories they have of me be among the moments that they cherish. It's all still somewhat nightmarish. This body's merely a vessel. I have no doubt to glory my spirit will surely fly. Imanage going up, up do much higher and faster than dare I. No need for anymore alibis  no more lullabies. Just this darkness as they close my eyes. No questions no more lies. Not another misconception. This is my last masquerade costume I adorn to play the final charade. I would go completely naked if I knew I would be covered by the nights shade. For ghosts that for years now have been faceless most of my cherished heroes have been hasitaly traded I know for a while now I have been watching the world with eyes pretty **** jaded. More than it actually is it sounds so complicated. I can not help the things that I have contemplated. On my heart it has been heavily weighed how to tell those I behold goodbye. That's going to be the hardest on me myself I am beside. I pray I said.y peace as u accept this possible fate perhaps for the solace and salvation I'm already too **** late how do I know that heaven and hell are really even real will it be there that my forever wounds will finally heal my emotions I will continue to conceal everything is beginning to look kind of surreal on bent knees in prayer I kneel no more full circles will I turn. In the spreading flames I'll no longer burn. I had often wondered when the time I borrowed would adjourn.  Answers the questions I ponder is something for which I desperately yearn. When completely I am gone will my spirit walk and linger on though this purgetory of broken fairytales or will the devil himself come drag ble straight to hell. It's now I quite badly wish for those worlds that were somehow parallel I am for sure of at least one thing I'm getting off this **** carasoul if not this entire Merry go round. I am  like a stero wired for ******* sound. Head in the clouds I drag my feet along the ground never am I coming down maybe myself
I will find out if I just **** around. maybe in what I seek what I need will actually be found.  Deeper down that ever before the dark thoughts I am compelled to hide most of all I look forward to possibly kicking it with my cousin that's on the other side. that alone stays my hand from suicide. It's those kinds of thoughts in which I have no left I can confide. Since once again I am at a loss that has turned into another epic fail though I tried to no avail. In the wind I can almost hear the banshees wail. Falling in reverse from the sky in a spinning of the tail. Dance with the devil in the tainted moon light that was rather pale. Surrounded by all the smoke that has quickly grown long since stale white noise I hear the static in my head it's driving me sane for that is when I get the craziest.  This purple the fogs quite hazy. Sort of like the twilight zone to each their own me and Rod sterling walk side by side wandering lost.  While these spirits give me chase. Inside these outer limits of this Peyton place where I am constantly attempting to save face as I continuously fall from this side of my saving grace. Like the smoke and fog I should disappear without another trace no **** evidence no **** case. go on you do as you dare eventually I will have to get going it doesn't matter going where remaining my biggest question is anyone that's here right now really even all there. Forget the **** dog of the owner beware doing my damnest not to start sinking into my utter despair on me war the creatures I conjured declare my nerves are raw and completely bare for this journey I cannot prepare times now running short so I this world of nothing but opportunity and plenty air I choose to hit the **** **** while into this nothing i stare. I cross my heart on my soul I swear I appreciate every single prayer. Do not cry for me when I am gone do not morn for me today. Just like s gently flickering flame that's burning out slow Rocking my last bowl the insufferable pain burns deeper this hole in my already dark barren soul. I am colder and corrupt the older I grow. Do tell what else does anyone else need to know.