feeling the cracks in the walls. watching the floor crumble. my life is unraveling.
im not crying. i cannot yet. ill have to wait for a different stage - its not how denial works.
running my fingers along the lines. it cuts. it cuts deeper. deeper still. i see the blood but i dont feel it yet.

why do we hold onto ruins? to the ashes of things we never had? i try to keep it all together. i want to scream and rush to hold the base together - but i cant move. im just standing still with the slowly settling emptiness.

it was never there. it was all in my head. i knew that already and i know it now, more than i ever did. reality is seeping trough the gaps but i dont want to look.
why is it so difficult to face something youve faced many times before? and why is it so hard if you knew it was there all along?
i want the rubble to bury me. i want to take me with the rest. i want this life i could have never had, these walls i painted with love knowing it would fall.

i want to be free, trapped under all that never really was.