yesterday, i visited the trainer before swim practice,
shivering in just my suit,
she pushed and prodded,
trying to determine what was wrong with my shoulder.

“lift your arms,” she said,
and as i did,
i noticed her eyes catch the scars.
she looked at me,
then at my arms,
and back again.

today, during class, the phone rang.
i prayed it wasn’t for me.
when my teacher handed me a pass,
my nightmare began:
visit guidance after class.

heart pounding, i stood outside the door,
and kept walking.
how could i explain
that i’m not trying to die—
i just don’t know another way
to carry the weight of living?

tomorrow is coming,
but i don’t know what it holds,
and i’m terrified.