i abandoned god before he abandoned me.
his scornful eyes cast down
and furrowed brow of contempt
as i walked out of the pearly gates
into the unknown darkness.
he did not lift a finger nor called out the name
of this beloved child of christ.
purged in water and marked by oil
formed the shackles on my wrists and ankles.
lifeless words from a glorified book
empty prayers from empty hearts and thick tongues.
infinite petitions laid on deaf ears.
the throne is too high for him to hear you.

i expelled the devil from my soul
tried to cut him free
but little did i know, with each saw of the blade
he possessed more of me.
setting fire through my veins
oppressing my senses
i could taste the emptiness
hear the falsities
feel pure and utter hatred
see nothing but bitterness
in this disgusting, infested world.
he whispers in my ear and forces his way into my mind
he becomes me.
when i look into a mirror
he is staring back at me.

i closed my eyes before night fell
and the darkness crept in.
before the monsters crawled out from under beds
and the nightmares took their stage.
i couldn't escape them
there was nowhere to hide.
because my monsters live inside.

i beat death to the punch.
opened the door before he knocked.
one, two, three, sixteen
blue little fairies waiting to guide me home.
he cradled me as i drifted off the final time.
my tired eyes and my tired body
finally laid to rest.
i found no comfort in his embrace
nor in his false promises.
there is no place for me to return to.
my home is not some holy kingdom
that i was promised at such an early age.
there is nothing for me there
yet, nothing will make due.