i feel damaged
lost and confused
i don't really know
what's important to me
i'm like liquid
flowing one direction to the next
what is a priority?
what do i spend my time doing?
what do i focus on?
i don't even know.
is it exercise? or to love myself?
self-care? learning a coding language?
should i strive to be "the best,"
even though i don't know what that is?
should i compare myself to my ex
who was always "perfect"
and try to out do everything he does?
should i focus on my religion
my faith, beaten and battered,
barely existing anymore?
or should i search for a partner
to put all my burdens on
just to end up used and heart broken?
should i go to therapy
like everyone tells me to
so i can pay money off my insurance
for someone to invalidate me
constantly being triggered
as i try to find the "right one"
should i focus on my family,
or rather, leaving this chaotic house
this messy marriage i witness
should i keep applying to jobs
just to be ignored
over and over again?
should i post things online
for them to get no views
and leave me feeling embarrassed
like there's no point in trying
anything in life anymore.
or should i just do
whatever the hell i want
and see where it takes me?
base things off my
ever-confusing, painful emotions
so i can just feel
a little bit of pleasure
i just select
a couple of things i feel are important
and stick to a consistent routine
and doing that
had really made me feel
rigid.

but what else am i to do?