when will I have sweet love
he looks into my eyes
and stares so deep
knowing I am the one
it all feels
like a perfect song
and the blissful emotions
rise and fall
as all I've ever wanted
falls right into my hands.

when will I be taken care of
when will I be
given everything
that no one ever gave me
when will someone love me
without hurting me
when will they say
"I love you"
and mean it?

when will I feel safe
to share my body
and sexuality
with another person
when will I
be able to relax
because he doesn't
make me feel any stress
when will I have
to not worry
about my safety
or constantly check
to see if I'm
being manipulated
when will I
be finally be able
to lower my defenses

when will I
stop feeling hopeless
scared
when will I
feel what it's like
to be inside my body
and not feel insecure
not feel men
look me up and down
like thirsty dogs
trying to aggressively
have *** with me

when will I be happy
when will I have
this love
that lasts forever
that makes me feel
like a little sun
is inside my heart
burning all the
darkness away

and when
will I have
someone accept me
for who I am
the fact that
I'm ****** up
I have mood swings
I get angry
sometimes
I age regress
back into
a child
I have kinks
that are weird
I do the opposite
of what I say
because it's hard
for me to be vulnerable
I have a history
of abuse
and being manipulated
over and over again
I feel tired
and overwhelmed
I am so
sick and tired
of being strong
for everyone else
and taking care
of everything by myself
all the ******* time
but then
being told
that I'm too much.

when will I
attract someone
that is handsome
so I don't
have to feel like
I always have to settle
and then made guilty
cause "looks don't matter"
"be grateful"
none of these dudes
are in my league.

and that's why
they're always
cheating on me.

when will I
have to stop wondering
and fantasizing
about all these things?
when will it not
leave knots in my heart
in my stomach
when I see
a happy couple
holding hands
and it brings me to tears
because I wish I had that
so badly.

I prayed for it
it makes me cry
and hurt
it looks
so effortless
they're smiling
and holding hands
and I just
want to know
the secret
I just
want to know
what's wrong with me
I just
want to know
how long it will take

I just
want to know
when it will happen.