If I was born as your youngest,
who was spared what you did best,
Would you have spared me,
but if it was my personality?

I followed my older brother
now lost to drug induced suicide.
I know that you did apologize,
but a mother's meant to be be maternal,
it was a bit too late too realize.

I am trying but the longer you're gone,
I find it it hard to  hold onto hope,
your later years were full of love,
but they're disappearing like a trick.

And I guilt exploited my father,
who you made throw the stones,
at his tender little fragile head.
I had to watch brother's blood flowed
and I was told I would be next.

The thing I find hard to forgive,
was your sarcastic grinning.
With all the heart/ kidney diseases,
would you have been as your trespasses?

My relief from this world
would be as born to will,
but smothered
with a pillow.