I miss them.

Secretly, selfishly I want to return,
To be a part of their broken lives,
Which I had a hand in breaking.

I miss the familiar chaos,
The insults in jest,
The tears and the depth,
I just miss it.

I am so alone now,
Living two lives,
With a family I have no history with,
But with a woman I am so deeply in love with.

I need a common ground,
A painful compromise,
I am missing out,
On being a father to my children.

They need me,
And I need them,
They have gone so astray,
As have I.

They have grown up,
They are growing up,
And I am just a fortnightly event,
Never really present.

No amount of apologies,
Can make up for my vacancy,
I cannot be myself here,
Not fully.

I love my wife,
I love my new family,
I married into this,
But, the vows didn't represent reality.

I feel I am breaking,
I feel I am losing them,
I feel I have no control,
In raising them.

I will have to change this,
They will gain a day,
And she will have to sacrifice a day,
I'm sorry (again), but I need this.