It should have been over
When you told me I was interesting for what I am and not who I am
But I wanted to be wanted
So I stayed

It should have been over
When you hit me and forced your way unto the room while I sobbed in fear
But when I said never again, you mostly listened
So I stayed

It should have been over
When you told me you burned your ex's childhood photos when you broke up

It should have been over
When I was adding medications to cope with you

It should have been over
When I realized you lie to me so much.
But you left behind "truth by stages"
So I stayed.

It should have been over
The first day I realized that I wanted to be dead

It should have been over
When you said you wished I was like my brother instead of myself

It should have been over
When I started using the word insatiable about you.
But a sliver of my heart always thought that I just wasn't being enough
So I stayed

It should have been over
When you said that you didn't see a point in even trying any more

It should have been over
When I abandoned myself again in response.
The moment I started to fall back into the pit.
The next day when you called me a ******* robot because my tone was too flat, when it was flat because I set my feelings aside for you.
The same day when you told me that having emotions in my voice was being mean to you.

When you refused to stop deadnaming me
When I abandoned my name to open myself to nicknames
When you told me that it felt a lot better and more connected

When you told me how disconnected my femme clothes make you feel
When I abandoned myself and offered to change
When you said yes and that "you might be able to make this work" in response

But I was back in the pit
So I stayed

It should have been over
When you couldn't be honest with others
When you would have sabotaged things in the long run
When you told me that I shouldn't tell my new community that we were fighting; that they would leave me because nobody wants to be with someone with baggage.

It should have been over
When you stranded me
When you screamed at me
After the 14th phone call

It should have been over
When I left with a backpack of clothes
When I shook and cried and hid until I escaped
When I left with no plans

It should have been over
When you texted everyone I knew that night
In every state
Friends or family

But it still took days and days for me to realize that I never wanted to go back
It should have been over so long ago
But my inability to see my own human value
Meant that I was OK being treated as valueless

But it didn't end in my heart
Until I was asked the question
"Would you want to go back to your abuser, even if she changed?"
And I knew the truth was no.

And so, I left forever.
It is finally over.
Never again.
I owed myself so much better.