I can’t remember the last day
I didn’t hope to die

I drive my car and fantasize
a t-bone collision straight into my side

I’ve prayed for the kind of accident
that would bring a swift end and leave others untouched
My death can’t stand any more collateral damage.

Any more selfishness than the selfishness
already spat into my suicide-obsessed brain

What does it mean to want the shadow on the scan?

I want to want to live
But every tired toss in my bed is a prayer to die

Every unbidden sigh that surprises my lips on the way out
a whisper for release

If only my body could unlearn breathing
If only my heart could unlearn bittersweet

I romanticized my demise into a bouquet
Blossoms of remember how, and, wasn’t she just

I want to want to live
But every left turn I take is a beg

for the brutal period at the end
of an unfinished life sentence that has always felt like a run-on