the words inside my mind are jumbled and i keep seeing images of us kissing and me laughing and water gun fights and afternoon naps and showering together and long hugs. and i can't stop this jigsaw puzzle of memories from taking over and infecting my lungs, my heart, and there are ten thousand people in a room and i've never been more alone in my entire life. sunday nights are akin to skinny dipping in the ocean in the middle of January when you're shaking and rattling and it seems that the cold has seeped through to the tissue that compiles your bones and then i remember one am at the lake and walking around at the beach and looking at the moonlight reflecting off of your pool eyes and god, i wanted to tell you right then that i loved you. but i didn't, and i never did, and i never have and you told me that you love me as your best friend when you broke up with me two months later, and that friendship is the most important thing and did i always want to date you? and that's a slap in the face because you wanted me so badly, you were frantic to have me and i caved too easily, letting you absorb into my bloodstream and caress my deepest thoughts. maybe i never did love you, or maybe i did, and i think still that love should be given freely even if you've known someone for two days. and you must know that i feel cheated and played because you've left me, you've gone back to her and i pray that she doesn't take you back but we all know that life isn't fair and you were never mine in the first place. but understand that i gave you everything i had and that still wasn't enough to make you stick around, and i am beginning to rethink everything i ever did for you. never in my life have i been rude to you, and i am so hurt by your carefully chosen words and they cut me and slit my throat and it isn't the best to be called pathetic by someone who called you beautiful three weeks earlier. i'm not sure where your anger towards me comes from but i will continue to say that i'm sorry until you scream at me to shut up because i am sorry, i am sorry i am sorry please come back and be mine. i don't know what I did wrong and everything hurts and you can't make me feel right but you can sure as hell make me feel worse.